And I will change my ways

"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

Mumford and Sons

Whenever I blog I think about conversations I have had in my life. I typically write about the one that resonates my thoughts at the moment when I blog. Yesterday night I had a few conversations that stuck pretty clearly in my head. But there is one simple line that keeps me guessing- honestly I remember being quite confused what it meant, so, the wording may even be a little off. But it was something like this -I always hit this problem with you'. Oh? It wasn't meant to be insulting, but, my resounding 'Oh?' still rings loud.
I never really could conclude what that continuous problem was.. Ha, I could assume a million things. My first thought was that it had to do with my fiestiness! I have been reflecting on the amount of time I argue- usually in entertainment- or the quickness I have acquired in being angry and defensive.
I have come to a few conclusions...
First.. I think I am legitimately upset sometimes. Ha. Don't worry I'll put my pride away in my second conclusion.
Secondly- I am stubborn! I get this from my dad, I know it. Sometimes my stubbornness is okay though... in sense that I have a strong opinion, and a tight grasp on what I believe. (was that really putting my pride away?. mhm.)
Thirdly.. I need to listen more... I sometimes consider myself a decent listener, but I need to do better.
Listening is a Godly virtue. I spend some much time talking, which can lead me to foolish words. Arguing, being defensive, and worrying to an obsessive point... knocking out listening.
And most importantly, I need to be listening to God. I want to be able to sit in silence for an hour without fidgeting, or picking up the phone, and being interpreted by something else I think I need to do. I yearn to hear, others, God. This my prayer not just this week, but for my life.

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu

I was going to try and write poetry, but if you know anything about my week, that seems too ironic. So instead I am going to be confusing, yet bluntly honest. Well, to give you a major hint the soundtrack to my life right now, sappy and ridiculous as it may sound, would be ".. cause when a heart break, no it don't breakeven.."
I would love to ramble on convincing myself that I wasn't heart broken over some guy, but, I said I'd be honest. Yes. Yes, I am.
But this I do know, I didn't know whether to.. be angry, sad, laugh, or whine. But then I came to a moment right after everything seemed to hit where God said- Jodi, Hey, calm down. Take a deep breath, and..re- evaluate.
I am almost certain God told me to reevaluate my life in the seconds after my heart broke. So, I have been sitting eyes tired, but my head full for the last 5 hours thinking mid night about what this all means.
Then, it all flashed through my head.. memories. I had done this before, I had experienced this before. Heck, when I was in grade 10 I picked up kick boxing- why? Because I had a broken heart, and God said, move your emotions to something else. I did, and I fell in love with kickboxing for a time in my life... and peace came into my heart.
And then again, I had yet another heart break, and I took up reading.. I just read whatever books fascinated me, and strove to learn... and peace came into my heart.
I have to take moments to just be.. BE.. me.. just do all those things I never take time to do because honestly, I was always with some one else.. or thinking about something else.
I let my heart be sad for awhile.. Ecc. says for everything there is a season. I go through seasons. I come out of something hard, and I reclaim my identity, or try to rediscover part of me that I let fall to the side. And.. I write. I look forward to seeing more of you blog.

We'll all come home as the years Collide

Dear Friend,
If I were to tell you about life here, it would be hard to describe. I feel time moving, yet, like I am stuck in high school with you. I feel like I am going to wake up one day, go back to school and have a purpose as of why I am in my home town still. I will walk through school doors, the little high school I grew up in, where all is comfortable, and sit beside my best friends again. I would see you, and that thing that made me love you would overwhelm me, just like it always did. I laugh to myself when I think about how far we have come, yet, sometimes when you are near we rewind to the beginning. This is the first time I believe it will be different, were different. I don't know if I like that or not.
I am not sure why you came to my mind tonight, we haven't talked for weeks. We have our passing promises to be great friend forever, and I believe it. You are in my heart, and I know that will never pass. It rooted so deeply inside of me- even if I tried to stop loving you, I couldn't. Whenever life gives me difficult situations I always find my last thoughts fall upon you, like a bad habit, you linger. I don't even believe you'd really understand, but, I have never really cared that you don't. You didn't have to understand, I always just had the illusion you would. Silly when we make out people to what we want when really, it could be that they are the farthest from. I don't think I always made you to be what I wanted though, sometimes you surprised me beyond my expectations. I miss that.
I am leaving to go visit friends from last year. And I am so.. overwhelmed with excitement, but I have let this other, thing?, get in my way. I try to think about what you'd tell me to do. I know it'd be simple.. you'd say "Forget it, and just have fun".
Simple, but true.
Thank you.
"We work so hard
to be who we are...
we tell stories from the past..
it's just so good to see you,
And I am not afraid to show it.."

I decided I needed to blog one more time before my life changes purposefully. See, I had one of those rare, interesting visits to the doctor, it was more a therapy session. Ha. And discovered- wait!- what?- Oh, yes, I have an Anxiety Disorder. It's never fun. And am never convinced it's just that. But, once again the brain is a complicated thing and wants to think what it thinks. Well, sometimes I need help with what mine thinks. ha, Ah, I shouldn't really be making light of this.
Anyways, I am praying for the best with my new transition.
"We walk in circles, so limited by our own anxieties that we can no longer distingush between true and false, between the gangster's whim and the purest ideal." -Ingrid Bergman

Annual Top 10.. just one day Late.

Yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving.. weird that I have to say "Canadian".. going to college in the United States really did make me more international, ha. Anyways, it was thanksgiving.. and every thanksgiving I make a list.. of the obvious- things I am thankful for. To let my actions speak louder than words- I did not make a list. Whoa, I feel horrible just writing that. I sound so unthankful, but the truth is.. I became scared to be thankful because I thought then I was allowing myself false hope. Like jinxing myself. If I let myself be thankful and worry free then some how it'd turn around of me and everything would go opposite. Oh, I know, this is completely messed up, when did I become such a pessimist?
Anyways, I thought about that all day. How I didn't make a list.. And I refute the thought that my future needs to go well in order for me to be thankful now! That is not how it works..
So, here is my list.. Top 10.. my generic, semi ridiculous semi serious list.
#10/ Wooden Rings.. yes, that's right, I am down right thankful for wooden rings.. they are cool, always make my hands feel smaller, and they are inexpensive.
#9/ Mail.. letters.. hand written letters.. okay, so this summer my best friend and I just sat down one day and agreed that no matter where we were we would write letters- frequently. And everytime I write one I get to just.. babble.. and put my feelings in writing.. poetically, or not. And getting mail is always exciting, especially when you know that letter was meant for you!
#8/ Family. In the past month I got to spend with my brother and sister and their spouses. And though I had hard times there- they were always there to just talk, or have fun. And watch a billion movies. I got to see how these relationships were handled everyday, and it made me see how beautiful marriage was. Oh, and my other family members are super amazing too. :)
#7/ Mhm.. I am thankful for tea. Tea has been my favorite beverage since I started feeling lousy and it has never failed to make me feel just a tad better. I am pretty sure Lorinda and I drank about 100 cups, and it had its consequences, ha.
#6/ Another thing I continue to love- acoustic music. I became such a fan that I started youtubing piano and guitar covers for famous songs... there wasn't much lyrics in my life for awhile.
#5/ Newer friends. In the past year I went to college and made some amazingly, unique friends. I was so excited this coming fall when I didn't return to Dordt that I still kept in contact with most of them! It is a huge blessing. And makes them super rad. Plus they are just so fun and make me laugh constantly. And through distance I still feel their love. Unfortunately this makes me miss them.
Also I came back to Houston and discovered acquaintances that became friends. Which, I welcome, I never got to know them this way til now!
#4/ Old Friends. Ah old friends, people say they come and go.. but there is just certain friends I know will stick aorund forever. We have a history that is long, and amazing. It has been challenging, and rewarding. I got to hang out with these friends during the summer months, and just was so blessed, and bewildered. I was bewildered because when I felt like perhaps a few of them were slipping through my fingers then something happened that contradicted my every worry about that happening.
#3/ I am thankful for.. books.. okay, this more refers to me past year of thanks.. In the English classess at college I had to read so many books! Some of them I didn't read, I admit. But, some I did. Well done Jodi. Anyways, there was some goodies in there. Making me realize how awesome words are. By reading these books or whatever, I got to see into someone else's thoughts, and made me realize how human we all are. This is also thanks to my proffs.
#2/ Slipper mocasins.. I love them. Comfortable. Can be worn outdoors. And now-a-days approved.
#1/ Number one.. I got one more thing to be thankful for. Mhm, what could it be? Oh.. It's God. Today I went in to see my doc. Well, he's interesting. And he asked me some rather amusing questions. And then he found out that I had faith and beliefs. It was so cool because my the end he said "I can tell you are well rounded individual, great integrity, and that will help you live a great life". Oh, okay. But it made me think of this..
"O GOD let us be a generation that seeks, who seeks your face, O God of Jacob."

Just take it.

In the past few months I got to glimpse into.. a whole other world. I was so detached from myself. I got lost in this fear, yet there was these moments of clarity. Moments where I felt overwhelmed by God's presence in my life. I lay in the dark of night, usually upset, and then I'd let myself just settle down and God said- Jodi.. just be here, with me, in this moment.. forget the fear.
I wish I could keep myself in those moments forever, but, I let myself fear, and become anxious almost every other minute. Now, of course, I recognize this as a real thing, a real problem that so many people struggle with. I am actually pretty positive that almost every family member of mine as concluded that I am a hypochondriac and then some. Truthfully, I am going through this time in my life where nothing makes sense, yet, everything makes sense.
Sorry, I am full of contradictions lately. I say one thing, and then act another. I say words to my friends about love, yet so often disregard love because I can't control the anxiousness that alters me. I proclaim that God is.. everything, yet I fear. Those two things do not equate.
I have had so many conversations in the past few weeks that will always stick with me. See when things get messy, and life takes time away from being the perfection you hoped for, you start seeing more truths. Honestly, half of these truths I didn't want to see. My father once sat me down and looked me and the eye and said "what are you scared of, because Jodi.. what does God tell us? Body and Soul- I belong to him. And then a best friend said- Jodi, life, is just temporary.. I felt so lost in those conversations. It was almost hard to agree because I felt like I was signing this agreement that life should be fleeting! I saw the idea of death, not eternal life. But, a few weeks later I stopped misreading what these loved ones were saying, and had the most beautiful conversation with my best friend. We brought up the past, and our grade 10 year. Our grade 10 year was probably what glued our lives together.
It was a night that when looking back has this... clarity, or, foresight. My friend and I went to a youth group meeting. And I remember this off feeling running through me the whole night. My friend was concerned about something in the back of her mind that would soon become much more evident as of why. I remember just sitting there.. just so dazed out, and troubled. The youth pastor, or some one, I can't quite recall that detail, started talking.. And I can't tell you what the story was about, I have tried to figure out the whole speech again, but, it has completely gone from my memory. But, these words have echoed through my mind for about four years now.. "come on, just.. take my hand".. Take my hand..they were coming from Jesus in this dialogue.
I went home that night and lay in bed stunned, and I cried. I cried because the words were so beautiful to me. Take my hand. I had never truly thought of Jesus this way, this.. "absolutely by your side- personal." The next morning my friend came to school in tears, a relative of hers had died that same night. In sorrow there is the reminder of God being right there, asking you to just take his hand. It makes me so irritated when I have to grasp for that idea over and over again, but every time I do- there is no disappointments.

"I couldn't see it any other way."

“..And after all
You're my wonder wall.”

Dear Lorinda,
This is a long overdue letter to you..

I still can’t believe you are engaged, to my brother too. Life is comical sometimes, but I am so excited for you, rather, there is a deep rooted joy. I find that to be a great phenomenon, humans’ ability to be that happy for some one else, but it’s pretty easy when it’s your best friend and brother.. Two very special people.
I was just reflecting on love in general. I have had several different encounters concerning love, flow through my head in the last hour, and the greatest was that of yours. Watching movies, hearing stories, experiencing love myself, I still find myself utterly jealous, in the best way possible, of you and Ben’s story.
Now I am thinking of how much I love you, you are my best friend, and you’re getting married! Two memories come to my head when I think about marriage..
Once you and I were just lying in the dark, listening to music, thinking about life and love, or what we thought we knew of it. I remember I was mulling over a certain friend of ours. And I remember for the first time I didn’t even want to talk about it, courageously I wanted to forget about it, and I wanted you to think I was strong enough to forget it. But heartbroken I muttered the most frightening question I could ask right then and there, “what if him and I don’t end up together?” And you, my friend, whispered “I couldn’t see it any other way.” You said you couldn’t see us not being with each other, but now sitting here, when that moment has past, I repeat the same thing to you. When it comes to the two of you, I couldn’t see it any other way, and now I don’t have to.
Secondly, I was talking to another dear friend of ours and I said “ I always thought I would end up with my best friend. In high school that was my game plan, and what I thought would be destined for me because the idea of marrying my best friend was important. Selfishly, I always thought you guys would go somewhere and end up some randoms, men we would need to meet and dissect, which would really just as great, but me.. I thought my guy was going to known, as my best friend, he was going to be around a lot. My family was going to know him and love him like he was family, before he was even part of it. Loving all those traits, us sisters especially posses, knowing all the craziness my family has to offer, he would welcome the next poor guy who would need to meet my family.” Then I smiled and said “..but Lorinda has that. She learned to love my family, no matter how big and opinionated it was, and she fit in just like family, even before she was. And she’s marrying her best friend.”
And it’s perfect, in all it’s imperfections.
So, I was just reflecting on love in general and I thought of you. The love between best friends. I have been quite obsessive about these lyrics lately, and I think they are quite fitting. Congratulations. Now, for planning?

“All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you.”
-Daughtry