Dear Friend,
For as long as I can remember I have been pretty quick tempered and sensitive.
I can remember when close friends started calling me "drama" the past few months I felt really horrible about myself... They also claimed they didn't mean it in a bad way, but I remember I felt so sad because I didn't see it as Godly.. For many reasons. I felt like I lacked maturity, love, and most of all wisdom. And I long for wisdom.
Tonight I sat down with my Bible and asked God to lead me.. lead me to something that when I read it some source of understanding will take place in my heart and mind.
My hands just naturally flipped to a favorite chapter, Ecc. 3.. but while on my way to that page my eyes got glued to the title of Ecc. 7- Wisdom.
Honestly I felt a guilt slip into my heart when I saw that word.. Wisdom. The word wisdom was like a huge elephant in the room, or between God and I. Like God knew my deep dark secret: I lacked wisdom.
I don't know how to deal with disappointment or frustration. Especially when I feel mistreated, which I did when I lost my temper tonight. A scary thing came upon me.. I had a huge pile of resentment and anger built up against a dear friend. I can point fingers at whose fault was what, but I end up getting so far from the idea of God's love, I feel physically ill.
I find faults in those around me, then the horrible ones I possess. I start lacking in the good parts of my personality, and can only see the bad, the sinful.
Part of me needs this humbling, but other times I think it's just useless and graceless, if not detrimental. I realize being mad at myself or those around me isn't really wise either way.
So I contemplate what wisdom is and how, oh how, do I attain it? One thing I got lost in tonight was the connecting verses in Ecc, Corinthians and Job. 1 Cor. being about "having the mind of Christ".
So it unfolded to me like this ...
God's thoughts, God's spirit
mind= thoughts + spirit =connection.
God's spirit + God's mind = connection.
We are told as Christians that we have the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, dwelling within us.
we = possession of Spirit= God's Spirit.
God's Spirit + Mind= connected.
So, then we are told in 1 Cor. we, followers of Christ, have the mind of Christ.
We= having God's Mind.
Which makes sense since mind and Spirit are linked.
So, I understand that the Spirit is dwelling within us.. I guess I just saw it that if we weren't following Christ that the Spirit was not within us at that moment. But, then we are told we have the mind of Christ, it gets me. How?
My curiosity lead me to google.
I read a commentary about how the mind of Christ works..
"So we can see that to have the mind of Christ is not that Christians are perfect in their thoughts or that they have an infinite mind. But a process of thinking more spiritually about things. Seeing events in this life in their correct perspective. From a heavenly view." -Rod Jackson.
This makes sense to me. It's the idea of constantly transforming our mind, to that of Christ's.. which is given to us through his word, and spirit.
I'm working on that.

"Tomato"

I spent my last night in England perfectly.
First, I played 'Hide and Seek' with Kezia before her bed time. And she is funny with games.. she makes up her own rules, or, as with 'Hide and Seek', she calls out where she is.. or, asks you were you are going to hide when it's her turn to count. :)
Then, I took a walk on my favorite trail beside the Garwood home. And got a picture of my family tree, in the middle of a field. It has a chair knocked over right beside it, and I think it's just one of those.. things, a photo worthy, unique stick in your head kind of sights. The weather outside was refreshing at 7:30ish pm. My walk included the wind blowing wildly through the trees.. and sun was going down, and it was edging towards night... yet, there was this one part of my trail walk when I was heading towards a bridge, and the sun was shining so brightly through the trees that I couldn't see.. honestly, this guy was suddenly walking past me. A smile on his face. Whenever I met someone on the trail they always seemed friendly. Walking their dogs, biking, or many older couples holding hands and talking a stroll.
I always came to this trail for jogs.. and I always stopped at this bench that over looked a big plowed field, with the tree and chair in the middle. And this is where I thought. And was thankful. Even if I was having a bad day I would go out there, and felt.. guilty, because I knew that I was so blessed. And the.. simple beauty in that place astounded me every time, from day 1.
After my walk, I got back and spent about 2 hours talking to my host family, parents. I really felt so, sad when it was time for bed. It was the best possible way to spend my night, my last night here. It was typical. It was what I enjoyed most here.. just sitting, drinking tea and chatting about random subjects. I have felt so.. comfortable here. It really surprised me how much so. I try not to take it for granted, because I know that God designed this just for me. And I hope to keep in touch with this wonderful family in Aylsham Norfolk. I think I'll come visit :).

Proverbs 16:9

I have spent months thinking about my future. I had worries, mostly the idea death versus life kept coming into my thoughts. Not just the literal sense of life and death, but death as in the absence of really living, fully. And then I questioned what really living meant.
I grew into this person I was never actually sure I would be. Where I would go see the world, and really discover myself within it. I have only been in England for two months, and already I believe I will fall in love with the many apsects of culture, nature, history this nation has to offer. I want to see it all, if possible. Yet, I want to live it simply. I want to have a job I love, where I am settled in one home, with a family. Where I can love a husband and children. Where I can make homemade pies, make family traditions and curl up watching a movie.
So, I have declared five years of travel, at least, then the other part of my life. Cynically I think- how far will I get? But, this is my hope.
My hopes in discovering the world is that I might learn. Learn what other people are like, for we are all made in God's image. I want to learn about their practices, their way of living, and adapting a part of it for myself. Leaving England I have come out with a few traditions I would like to carry on in my life, even if I am not present in England.
I would also strive to make friends in other countries, calling them my brothers and sisters in Christ. Where I could love different ethnicities, and a better understanding of our differences, and build a bridge between our gapped lives.
Where there is tears, I want to help share a burden. Asking God to break my heart for what breaks his. And passing on some of my peace and restoration to a people who need it desperately.
I want to be awed. I want to smile, and cry from being overwhelmed at God's splendor. Whether that be sitting on a Mountain's peak, being surronded by his people, drinking tea in a cafe, or seeing architecture that makes me thank God for brilliant minds.
Then.. there would the solitude, yet, excitment of having a family. Of being part of two. Of understanding some one who, is all mine, well, and God's! And then my awe would come in the of my heart filling with warmth, security, and new memories meant to be shared. A servant like relationship, that is filled with laughter, tears and unconditional fondness.

But mostly... I want to be an ambassador of Christ. A missionary. Salt and Light of the world, wherever I am, moving or still. Using the gifts and talents God had bestowed upon me, for they are not my own doing. Ultimately, it's about Love. To share where it's needed. To receive it. And then, love God for that amazing love.

Some coming, and some going.

Today I had my first goodbye of all my England goodbyes.. It was to a little girl, four year old, completely adorable. A niece to my host mother. Suddenly it really dawned on me how sad I was to be leaving.
Yes, I am excited about coming things in my life.. Holland, Houston then Ukraine, God willing.. but at times I wish I could freeze all the good moments, cherish them. The thing that got me, is that, well, I have to admit, I did quite a bit of reading in front of this little girl...so, I was pleasantly surprised when she whispered to her mom "I'm sad.. I like her.." It brought a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye. As lame as that might sound. Then, when Felicity, Kezia and I were driving home, Kezia asked me if I wanted to go to an outdoor/indoor playground with them on Monday... and we had to remind her that that was the day I was leaving to go home and see my mummy and daddy.. and she just sighed sadly.. here we are talking about how it's going to be a hard day for her.. but, I realized it's going to be a hard day for me too, more than I had anticipated.
But, I also love knowing that I have the capacity to fall in love with places, people, new experiences... I can go around the world making friends, and memories... but never, without some heartache.. but, that my friend, is a little coming, and a little going.. the seasons of life.
I remember using that metaphor the day I cam here... and it's completely true, thank you Donald Miller.

For you and Me..

I wrote this email to a friend today, and thought I'd share it, since, it contains the stories I'd want to write anyways!..

"I wanted to say -HAPPY EASTER! to you, Jesus died and rose again- for YOU! Pretty Amazing eh? Man, I love God, and you!
I had an interesting experience this past Good Friday.. My host family and I participated in this "Jesus Walk" in the town I live here in England. The community churches all come together, and a number of different people from different congregations get together and walk through the town... and a man in front holds up the Cross. And then we all stop in certain spots and read scripture and pray together.
It was really neat to see about 40+ people walking in a procession through town.. behind the cross.
But, then I'll admit.. my heart took a few turns.. see, these 4 young guys were walking past our group mocking us.. saying "hear thee, hear thee" and just laughing.. and I just felt.. awkward.. BUT, then I realized something, I was excited to be a follower of Christ! And perhaps this declaration of our love for God seemed strange to these guys, but, that is why I needed to pray for them, for their hearts to see us, and perhaps a thought will enter their mind, and hearts.. and they will be curious about the group of people walking through town, and the cross they were carrying. :)
Another cool thing I just thought of now.. I was sitting in church this Easter Sunday morning.. and we got these little cut out Easter eggs that said "..because Jesus is Alive.." and then we fill in the blank. And I thought "Because Jesus is alive, I can fellowship with believers, and we can be the body of Christ.." And we prayed about it.. I guess I didn't think about it to much throughout the rest of the service though. Then we had coffee fellowship time after wards.. and I just happened to sit down at a table with one other lady.. and we ended up talking for quite awhile, and it really blessed my heart! God answered my prayers, to fellowship with another Christian, and honestly, I haven't had long conversation with the people at this church, I go to this church less often (my host's families church), I usually go to a church with younger adults.. anyways, I really love this church as well, my host families, and the people are so friendly! But, I always felt like I didn't know how to.. approach some one in conversation.. but then today I did! Yes, it's the second last time I'm there, but still! It leaves me with a fond memory and blessing!
Anyways, sorry that was long! Haha, but, I just came across that second story just now and it excited me! Haha.
:)
So, I am praying for you, and thanking God for you today, that he died, and rose again, for you and me! Making us true sisters in Christ!"

London, map to the rest of the world.

This weekend I got to take a day trip to London. I loved it, I was thoroughly awed by the "must see" sights.. but also by just the city itself. Of course I was in the nicer, from tourist filled area. I loved the building, mostly all stone, etched around me. Looking up and see beyond the next building was impossible. I loved the history and cultural surrounding me. I even enjoyed talking to a homeless man selling magazines.. I bought one, and he was very polite... thinking back on it, I could've made more of a conversation with him.
I loved the hundred cafes all around, book stores, clothing stores I knew I could barely afford anything from. Ha. But most of all, I loved the groups of people I encountered. First, I was heading towards Buckingham Palace, actually, it happened to be by fluke, but either way I saw the crowds of tourists.. and it was fun being in the same lot in life as them.. you know? But trying to figure what to take a picture of, or when to leave to the next London destination.. But, then I also liked being less Touisty.. which, I consider myself to be.. since I am actually currently living in England. I encountered the second huge group of people in Trafalgar Square. There was a festival going on.. Holland House.. a band? or event? Ha.. but there was just people roaming around, drinking beer, listening to this live band and wearing Orange.. just having a great time. I felt less like a tourist.. just enjoying the city with the rest of the people.
I felt pretty safe, comfortable and confident. It also made me quite excited to hopefully go explore more of the world and love it.. but England will always be the first!

I have come to a conclusion. I love England, honestly, this country is beautiful. I feel wherever I go... town, city, village, country, coast, I like it. But, what excites me even more, is that I feel confident I will like traveling too. And going to Ukraine, and hopefully, visiting other Euro. countries next year just pumps me up!
I had a few jokes directed towards my education today. First an old room mate said to me that when she meet me she thought I was educational, and intellectual.. then I decided to dropout of college and travel. Then I had another friend jokingly taunt me with "dropppouuuttt". I forgave them. Ha, because I knew they meant well, and then reassured me that I was.. intellectual and smart.
I have come to the the self evaluation that I like learning through the world. I said to both my friends "I'd rather see the Royal family's home then read about it!". I so badly want to see that the world can teach me.
Even being in England, where life is pretty comfortable for me, I have learned. There is so much out there to see it.. almost makes me anxious to see it all! Impossible. But, I know that I'd like to, so far.