I decided I needed to blog one more time before my life changes purposefully. See, I had one of those rare, interesting visits to the doctor, it was more a therapy session. Ha. And discovered- wait!- what?- Oh, yes, I have an Anxiety Disorder. It's never fun. And am never convinced it's just that. But, once again the brain is a complicated thing and wants to think what it thinks. Well, sometimes I need help with what mine thinks. ha, Ah, I shouldn't really be making light of this.
Anyways, I am praying for the best with my new transition.
"We walk in circles, so limited by our own anxieties that we can no longer distingush between true and false, between the gangster's whim and the purest ideal." -Ingrid Bergman
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Annual Top 10.. just one day Late.
Yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving.. weird that I have to say "Canadian".. going to college in the United States really did make me more international, ha. Anyways, it was thanksgiving.. and every thanksgiving I make a list.. of the obvious- things I am thankful for. To let my actions speak louder than words- I did not make a list. Whoa, I feel horrible just writing that. I sound so unthankful, but the truth is.. I became scared to be thankful because I thought then I was allowing myself false hope. Like jinxing myself. If I let myself be thankful and worry free then some how it'd turn around of me and everything would go opposite. Oh, I know, this is completely messed up, when did I become such a pessimist?
Anyways, I thought about that all day. How I didn't make a list.. And I refute the thought that my future needs to go well in order for me to be thankful now! That is not how it works..
So, here is my list.. Top 10.. my generic, semi ridiculous semi serious list.
#10/ Wooden Rings.. yes, that's right, I am down right thankful for wooden rings.. they are cool, always make my hands feel smaller, and they are inexpensive.
#9/ Mail.. letters.. hand written letters.. okay, so this summer my best friend and I just sat down one day and agreed that no matter where we were we would write letters- frequently. And everytime I write one I get to just.. babble.. and put my feelings in writing.. poetically, or not. And getting mail is always exciting, especially when you know that letter was meant for you!
#8/ Family. In the past month I got to spend with my brother and sister and their spouses. And though I had hard times there- they were always there to just talk, or have fun. And watch a billion movies. I got to see how these relationships were handled everyday, and it made me see how beautiful marriage was. Oh, and my other family members are super amazing too. :)
#7/ Mhm.. I am thankful for tea. Tea has been my favorite beverage since I started feeling lousy and it has never failed to make me feel just a tad better. I am pretty sure Lorinda and I drank about 100 cups, and it had its consequences, ha.
#6/ Another thing I continue to love- acoustic music. I became such a fan that I started youtubing piano and guitar covers for famous songs... there wasn't much lyrics in my life for awhile.
#5/ Newer friends. In the past year I went to college and made some amazingly, unique friends. I was so excited this coming fall when I didn't return to Dordt that I still kept in contact with most of them! It is a huge blessing. And makes them super rad. Plus they are just so fun and make me laugh constantly. And through distance I still feel their love. Unfortunately this makes me miss them.
Also I came back to Houston and discovered acquaintances that became friends. Which, I welcome, I never got to know them this way til now!
#4/ Old Friends. Ah old friends, people say they come and go.. but there is just certain friends I know will stick aorund forever. We have a history that is long, and amazing. It has been challenging, and rewarding. I got to hang out with these friends during the summer months, and just was so blessed, and bewildered. I was bewildered because when I felt like perhaps a few of them were slipping through my fingers then something happened that contradicted my every worry about that happening.
#3/ I am thankful for.. books.. okay, this more refers to me past year of thanks.. In the English classess at college I had to read so many books! Some of them I didn't read, I admit. But, some I did. Well done Jodi. Anyways, there was some goodies in there. Making me realize how awesome words are. By reading these books or whatever, I got to see into someone else's thoughts, and made me realize how human we all are. This is also thanks to my proffs.
#2/ Slipper mocasins.. I love them. Comfortable. Can be worn outdoors. And now-a-days approved.
#1/ Number one.. I got one more thing to be thankful for. Mhm, what could it be? Oh.. It's God. Today I went in to see my doc. Well, he's interesting. And he asked me some rather amusing questions. And then he found out that I had faith and beliefs. It was so cool because my the end he said "I can tell you are well rounded individual, great integrity, and that will help you live a great life". Oh, okay. But it made me think of this..
"O GOD let us be a generation that seeks, who seeks your face, O God of Jacob."
Anyways, I thought about that all day. How I didn't make a list.. And I refute the thought that my future needs to go well in order for me to be thankful now! That is not how it works..
So, here is my list.. Top 10.. my generic, semi ridiculous semi serious list.
#10/ Wooden Rings.. yes, that's right, I am down right thankful for wooden rings.. they are cool, always make my hands feel smaller, and they are inexpensive.
#9/ Mail.. letters.. hand written letters.. okay, so this summer my best friend and I just sat down one day and agreed that no matter where we were we would write letters- frequently. And everytime I write one I get to just.. babble.. and put my feelings in writing.. poetically, or not. And getting mail is always exciting, especially when you know that letter was meant for you!
#8/ Family. In the past month I got to spend with my brother and sister and their spouses. And though I had hard times there- they were always there to just talk, or have fun. And watch a billion movies. I got to see how these relationships were handled everyday, and it made me see how beautiful marriage was. Oh, and my other family members are super amazing too. :)
#7/ Mhm.. I am thankful for tea. Tea has been my favorite beverage since I started feeling lousy and it has never failed to make me feel just a tad better. I am pretty sure Lorinda and I drank about 100 cups, and it had its consequences, ha.
#6/ Another thing I continue to love- acoustic music. I became such a fan that I started youtubing piano and guitar covers for famous songs... there wasn't much lyrics in my life for awhile.
#5/ Newer friends. In the past year I went to college and made some amazingly, unique friends. I was so excited this coming fall when I didn't return to Dordt that I still kept in contact with most of them! It is a huge blessing. And makes them super rad. Plus they are just so fun and make me laugh constantly. And through distance I still feel their love. Unfortunately this makes me miss them.
Also I came back to Houston and discovered acquaintances that became friends. Which, I welcome, I never got to know them this way til now!
#4/ Old Friends. Ah old friends, people say they come and go.. but there is just certain friends I know will stick aorund forever. We have a history that is long, and amazing. It has been challenging, and rewarding. I got to hang out with these friends during the summer months, and just was so blessed, and bewildered. I was bewildered because when I felt like perhaps a few of them were slipping through my fingers then something happened that contradicted my every worry about that happening.
#3/ I am thankful for.. books.. okay, this more refers to me past year of thanks.. In the English classess at college I had to read so many books! Some of them I didn't read, I admit. But, some I did. Well done Jodi. Anyways, there was some goodies in there. Making me realize how awesome words are. By reading these books or whatever, I got to see into someone else's thoughts, and made me realize how human we all are. This is also thanks to my proffs.
#2/ Slipper mocasins.. I love them. Comfortable. Can be worn outdoors. And now-a-days approved.
#1/ Number one.. I got one more thing to be thankful for. Mhm, what could it be? Oh.. It's God. Today I went in to see my doc. Well, he's interesting. And he asked me some rather amusing questions. And then he found out that I had faith and beliefs. It was so cool because my the end he said "I can tell you are well rounded individual, great integrity, and that will help you live a great life". Oh, okay. But it made me think of this..
"O GOD let us be a generation that seeks, who seeks your face, O God of Jacob."
Monday, October 4, 2010
Just take it.
In the past few months I got to glimpse into.. a whole other world. I was so detached from myself. I got lost in this fear, yet there was these moments of clarity. Moments where I felt overwhelmed by God's presence in my life. I lay in the dark of night, usually upset, and then I'd let myself just settle down and God said- Jodi.. just be here, with me, in this moment.. forget the fear.
I wish I could keep myself in those moments forever, but, I let myself fear, and become anxious almost every other minute. Now, of course, I recognize this as a real thing, a real problem that so many people struggle with. I am actually pretty positive that almost every family member of mine as concluded that I am a hypochondriac and then some. Truthfully, I am going through this time in my life where nothing makes sense, yet, everything makes sense.
Sorry, I am full of contradictions lately. I say one thing, and then act another. I say words to my friends about love, yet so often disregard love because I can't control the anxiousness that alters me. I proclaim that God is.. everything, yet I fear. Those two things do not equate.
I have had so many conversations in the past few weeks that will always stick with me. See when things get messy, and life takes time away from being the perfection you hoped for, you start seeing more truths. Honestly, half of these truths I didn't want to see. My father once sat me down and looked me and the eye and said "what are you scared of, because Jodi.. what does God tell us? Body and Soul- I belong to him. And then a best friend said- Jodi, life, is just temporary.. I felt so lost in those conversations. It was almost hard to agree because I felt like I was signing this agreement that life should be fleeting! I saw the idea of death, not eternal life. But, a few weeks later I stopped misreading what these loved ones were saying, and had the most beautiful conversation with my best friend. We brought up the past, and our grade 10 year. Our grade 10 year was probably what glued our lives together.
It was a night that when looking back has this... clarity, or, foresight. My friend and I went to a youth group meeting. And I remember this off feeling running through me the whole night. My friend was concerned about something in the back of her mind that would soon become much more evident as of why. I remember just sitting there.. just so dazed out, and troubled. The youth pastor, or some one, I can't quite recall that detail, started talking.. And I can't tell you what the story was about, I have tried to figure out the whole speech again, but, it has completely gone from my memory. But, these words have echoed through my mind for about four years now.. "come on, just.. take my hand".. Take my hand..they were coming from Jesus in this dialogue.
I went home that night and lay in bed stunned, and I cried. I cried because the words were so beautiful to me. Take my hand. I had never truly thought of Jesus this way, this.. "absolutely by your side- personal." The next morning my friend came to school in tears, a relative of hers had died that same night. In sorrow there is the reminder of God being right there, asking you to just take his hand. It makes me so irritated when I have to grasp for that idea over and over again, but every time I do- there is no disappointments.
I wish I could keep myself in those moments forever, but, I let myself fear, and become anxious almost every other minute. Now, of course, I recognize this as a real thing, a real problem that so many people struggle with. I am actually pretty positive that almost every family member of mine as concluded that I am a hypochondriac and then some. Truthfully, I am going through this time in my life where nothing makes sense, yet, everything makes sense.
Sorry, I am full of contradictions lately. I say one thing, and then act another. I say words to my friends about love, yet so often disregard love because I can't control the anxiousness that alters me. I proclaim that God is.. everything, yet I fear. Those two things do not equate.
I have had so many conversations in the past few weeks that will always stick with me. See when things get messy, and life takes time away from being the perfection you hoped for, you start seeing more truths. Honestly, half of these truths I didn't want to see. My father once sat me down and looked me and the eye and said "what are you scared of, because Jodi.. what does God tell us? Body and Soul- I belong to him. And then a best friend said- Jodi, life, is just temporary.. I felt so lost in those conversations. It was almost hard to agree because I felt like I was signing this agreement that life should be fleeting! I saw the idea of death, not eternal life. But, a few weeks later I stopped misreading what these loved ones were saying, and had the most beautiful conversation with my best friend. We brought up the past, and our grade 10 year. Our grade 10 year was probably what glued our lives together.
It was a night that when looking back has this... clarity, or, foresight. My friend and I went to a youth group meeting. And I remember this off feeling running through me the whole night. My friend was concerned about something in the back of her mind that would soon become much more evident as of why. I remember just sitting there.. just so dazed out, and troubled. The youth pastor, or some one, I can't quite recall that detail, started talking.. And I can't tell you what the story was about, I have tried to figure out the whole speech again, but, it has completely gone from my memory. But, these words have echoed through my mind for about four years now.. "come on, just.. take my hand".. Take my hand..they were coming from Jesus in this dialogue.
I went home that night and lay in bed stunned, and I cried. I cried because the words were so beautiful to me. Take my hand. I had never truly thought of Jesus this way, this.. "absolutely by your side- personal." The next morning my friend came to school in tears, a relative of hers had died that same night. In sorrow there is the reminder of God being right there, asking you to just take his hand. It makes me so irritated when I have to grasp for that idea over and over again, but every time I do- there is no disappointments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
