And I will change my ways

"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

Mumford and Sons

Whenever I blog I think about conversations I have had in my life. I typically write about the one that resonates my thoughts at the moment when I blog. Yesterday night I had a few conversations that stuck pretty clearly in my head. But there is one simple line that keeps me guessing- honestly I remember being quite confused what it meant, so, the wording may even be a little off. But it was something like this -I always hit this problem with you'. Oh? It wasn't meant to be insulting, but, my resounding 'Oh?' still rings loud.
I never really could conclude what that continuous problem was.. Ha, I could assume a million things. My first thought was that it had to do with my fiestiness! I have been reflecting on the amount of time I argue- usually in entertainment- or the quickness I have acquired in being angry and defensive.
I have come to a few conclusions...
First.. I think I am legitimately upset sometimes. Ha. Don't worry I'll put my pride away in my second conclusion.
Secondly- I am stubborn! I get this from my dad, I know it. Sometimes my stubbornness is okay though... in sense that I have a strong opinion, and a tight grasp on what I believe. (was that really putting my pride away?. mhm.)
Thirdly.. I need to listen more... I sometimes consider myself a decent listener, but I need to do better.
Listening is a Godly virtue. I spend some much time talking, which can lead me to foolish words. Arguing, being defensive, and worrying to an obsessive point... knocking out listening.
And most importantly, I need to be listening to God. I want to be able to sit in silence for an hour without fidgeting, or picking up the phone, and being interpreted by something else I think I need to do. I yearn to hear, others, God. This my prayer not just this week, but for my life.

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu

I was going to try and write poetry, but if you know anything about my week, that seems too ironic. So instead I am going to be confusing, yet bluntly honest. Well, to give you a major hint the soundtrack to my life right now, sappy and ridiculous as it may sound, would be ".. cause when a heart break, no it don't breakeven.."
I would love to ramble on convincing myself that I wasn't heart broken over some guy, but, I said I'd be honest. Yes. Yes, I am.
But this I do know, I didn't know whether to.. be angry, sad, laugh, or whine. But then I came to a moment right after everything seemed to hit where God said- Jodi, Hey, calm down. Take a deep breath, and..re- evaluate.
I am almost certain God told me to reevaluate my life in the seconds after my heart broke. So, I have been sitting eyes tired, but my head full for the last 5 hours thinking mid night about what this all means.
Then, it all flashed through my head.. memories. I had done this before, I had experienced this before. Heck, when I was in grade 10 I picked up kick boxing- why? Because I had a broken heart, and God said, move your emotions to something else. I did, and I fell in love with kickboxing for a time in my life... and peace came into my heart.
And then again, I had yet another heart break, and I took up reading.. I just read whatever books fascinated me, and strove to learn... and peace came into my heart.
I have to take moments to just be.. BE.. me.. just do all those things I never take time to do because honestly, I was always with some one else.. or thinking about something else.
I let my heart be sad for awhile.. Ecc. says for everything there is a season. I go through seasons. I come out of something hard, and I reclaim my identity, or try to rediscover part of me that I let fall to the side. And.. I write. I look forward to seeing more of you blog.