We'll all come home as the years Collide

Dear Friend,
If I were to tell you about life here, it would be hard to describe. I feel time moving, yet, like I am stuck in high school with you. I feel like I am going to wake up one day, go back to school and have a purpose as of why I am in my home town still. I will walk through school doors, the little high school I grew up in, where all is comfortable, and sit beside my best friends again. I would see you, and that thing that made me love you would overwhelm me, just like it always did. I laugh to myself when I think about how far we have come, yet, sometimes when you are near we rewind to the beginning. This is the first time I believe it will be different, were different. I don't know if I like that or not.
I am not sure why you came to my mind tonight, we haven't talked for weeks. We have our passing promises to be great friend forever, and I believe it. You are in my heart, and I know that will never pass. It rooted so deeply inside of me- even if I tried to stop loving you, I couldn't. Whenever life gives me difficult situations I always find my last thoughts fall upon you, like a bad habit, you linger. I don't even believe you'd really understand, but, I have never really cared that you don't. You didn't have to understand, I always just had the illusion you would. Silly when we make out people to what we want when really, it could be that they are the farthest from. I don't think I always made you to be what I wanted though, sometimes you surprised me beyond my expectations. I miss that.
I am leaving to go visit friends from last year. And I am so.. overwhelmed with excitement, but I have let this other, thing?, get in my way. I try to think about what you'd tell me to do. I know it'd be simple.. you'd say "Forget it, and just have fun".
Simple, but true.
Thank you.
"We work so hard
to be who we are...
we tell stories from the past..
it's just so good to see you,
And I am not afraid to show it.."

I decided I needed to blog one more time before my life changes purposefully. See, I had one of those rare, interesting visits to the doctor, it was more a therapy session. Ha. And discovered- wait!- what?- Oh, yes, I have an Anxiety Disorder. It's never fun. And am never convinced it's just that. But, once again the brain is a complicated thing and wants to think what it thinks. Well, sometimes I need help with what mine thinks. ha, Ah, I shouldn't really be making light of this.
Anyways, I am praying for the best with my new transition.
"We walk in circles, so limited by our own anxieties that we can no longer distingush between true and false, between the gangster's whim and the purest ideal." -Ingrid Bergman

Annual Top 10.. just one day Late.

Yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving.. weird that I have to say "Canadian".. going to college in the United States really did make me more international, ha. Anyways, it was thanksgiving.. and every thanksgiving I make a list.. of the obvious- things I am thankful for. To let my actions speak louder than words- I did not make a list. Whoa, I feel horrible just writing that. I sound so unthankful, but the truth is.. I became scared to be thankful because I thought then I was allowing myself false hope. Like jinxing myself. If I let myself be thankful and worry free then some how it'd turn around of me and everything would go opposite. Oh, I know, this is completely messed up, when did I become such a pessimist?
Anyways, I thought about that all day. How I didn't make a list.. And I refute the thought that my future needs to go well in order for me to be thankful now! That is not how it works..
So, here is my list.. Top 10.. my generic, semi ridiculous semi serious list.
#10/ Wooden Rings.. yes, that's right, I am down right thankful for wooden rings.. they are cool, always make my hands feel smaller, and they are inexpensive.
#9/ Mail.. letters.. hand written letters.. okay, so this summer my best friend and I just sat down one day and agreed that no matter where we were we would write letters- frequently. And everytime I write one I get to just.. babble.. and put my feelings in writing.. poetically, or not. And getting mail is always exciting, especially when you know that letter was meant for you!
#8/ Family. In the past month I got to spend with my brother and sister and their spouses. And though I had hard times there- they were always there to just talk, or have fun. And watch a billion movies. I got to see how these relationships were handled everyday, and it made me see how beautiful marriage was. Oh, and my other family members are super amazing too. :)
#7/ Mhm.. I am thankful for tea. Tea has been my favorite beverage since I started feeling lousy and it has never failed to make me feel just a tad better. I am pretty sure Lorinda and I drank about 100 cups, and it had its consequences, ha.
#6/ Another thing I continue to love- acoustic music. I became such a fan that I started youtubing piano and guitar covers for famous songs... there wasn't much lyrics in my life for awhile.
#5/ Newer friends. In the past year I went to college and made some amazingly, unique friends. I was so excited this coming fall when I didn't return to Dordt that I still kept in contact with most of them! It is a huge blessing. And makes them super rad. Plus they are just so fun and make me laugh constantly. And through distance I still feel their love. Unfortunately this makes me miss them.
Also I came back to Houston and discovered acquaintances that became friends. Which, I welcome, I never got to know them this way til now!
#4/ Old Friends. Ah old friends, people say they come and go.. but there is just certain friends I know will stick aorund forever. We have a history that is long, and amazing. It has been challenging, and rewarding. I got to hang out with these friends during the summer months, and just was so blessed, and bewildered. I was bewildered because when I felt like perhaps a few of them were slipping through my fingers then something happened that contradicted my every worry about that happening.
#3/ I am thankful for.. books.. okay, this more refers to me past year of thanks.. In the English classess at college I had to read so many books! Some of them I didn't read, I admit. But, some I did. Well done Jodi. Anyways, there was some goodies in there. Making me realize how awesome words are. By reading these books or whatever, I got to see into someone else's thoughts, and made me realize how human we all are. This is also thanks to my proffs.
#2/ Slipper mocasins.. I love them. Comfortable. Can be worn outdoors. And now-a-days approved.
#1/ Number one.. I got one more thing to be thankful for. Mhm, what could it be? Oh.. It's God. Today I went in to see my doc. Well, he's interesting. And he asked me some rather amusing questions. And then he found out that I had faith and beliefs. It was so cool because my the end he said "I can tell you are well rounded individual, great integrity, and that will help you live a great life". Oh, okay. But it made me think of this..
"O GOD let us be a generation that seeks, who seeks your face, O God of Jacob."

Just take it.

In the past few months I got to glimpse into.. a whole other world. I was so detached from myself. I got lost in this fear, yet there was these moments of clarity. Moments where I felt overwhelmed by God's presence in my life. I lay in the dark of night, usually upset, and then I'd let myself just settle down and God said- Jodi.. just be here, with me, in this moment.. forget the fear.
I wish I could keep myself in those moments forever, but, I let myself fear, and become anxious almost every other minute. Now, of course, I recognize this as a real thing, a real problem that so many people struggle with. I am actually pretty positive that almost every family member of mine as concluded that I am a hypochondriac and then some. Truthfully, I am going through this time in my life where nothing makes sense, yet, everything makes sense.
Sorry, I am full of contradictions lately. I say one thing, and then act another. I say words to my friends about love, yet so often disregard love because I can't control the anxiousness that alters me. I proclaim that God is.. everything, yet I fear. Those two things do not equate.
I have had so many conversations in the past few weeks that will always stick with me. See when things get messy, and life takes time away from being the perfection you hoped for, you start seeing more truths. Honestly, half of these truths I didn't want to see. My father once sat me down and looked me and the eye and said "what are you scared of, because Jodi.. what does God tell us? Body and Soul- I belong to him. And then a best friend said- Jodi, life, is just temporary.. I felt so lost in those conversations. It was almost hard to agree because I felt like I was signing this agreement that life should be fleeting! I saw the idea of death, not eternal life. But, a few weeks later I stopped misreading what these loved ones were saying, and had the most beautiful conversation with my best friend. We brought up the past, and our grade 10 year. Our grade 10 year was probably what glued our lives together.
It was a night that when looking back has this... clarity, or, foresight. My friend and I went to a youth group meeting. And I remember this off feeling running through me the whole night. My friend was concerned about something in the back of her mind that would soon become much more evident as of why. I remember just sitting there.. just so dazed out, and troubled. The youth pastor, or some one, I can't quite recall that detail, started talking.. And I can't tell you what the story was about, I have tried to figure out the whole speech again, but, it has completely gone from my memory. But, these words have echoed through my mind for about four years now.. "come on, just.. take my hand".. Take my hand..they were coming from Jesus in this dialogue.
I went home that night and lay in bed stunned, and I cried. I cried because the words were so beautiful to me. Take my hand. I had never truly thought of Jesus this way, this.. "absolutely by your side- personal." The next morning my friend came to school in tears, a relative of hers had died that same night. In sorrow there is the reminder of God being right there, asking you to just take his hand. It makes me so irritated when I have to grasp for that idea over and over again, but every time I do- there is no disappointments.

"I couldn't see it any other way."

“..And after all
You're my wonder wall.”

Dear Lorinda,
This is a long overdue letter to you..

I still can’t believe you are engaged, to my brother too. Life is comical sometimes, but I am so excited for you, rather, there is a deep rooted joy. I find that to be a great phenomenon, humans’ ability to be that happy for some one else, but it’s pretty easy when it’s your best friend and brother.. Two very special people.
I was just reflecting on love in general. I have had several different encounters concerning love, flow through my head in the last hour, and the greatest was that of yours. Watching movies, hearing stories, experiencing love myself, I still find myself utterly jealous, in the best way possible, of you and Ben’s story.
Now I am thinking of how much I love you, you are my best friend, and you’re getting married! Two memories come to my head when I think about marriage..
Once you and I were just lying in the dark, listening to music, thinking about life and love, or what we thought we knew of it. I remember I was mulling over a certain friend of ours. And I remember for the first time I didn’t even want to talk about it, courageously I wanted to forget about it, and I wanted you to think I was strong enough to forget it. But heartbroken I muttered the most frightening question I could ask right then and there, “what if him and I don’t end up together?” And you, my friend, whispered “I couldn’t see it any other way.” You said you couldn’t see us not being with each other, but now sitting here, when that moment has past, I repeat the same thing to you. When it comes to the two of you, I couldn’t see it any other way, and now I don’t have to.
Secondly, I was talking to another dear friend of ours and I said “ I always thought I would end up with my best friend. In high school that was my game plan, and what I thought would be destined for me because the idea of marrying my best friend was important. Selfishly, I always thought you guys would go somewhere and end up some randoms, men we would need to meet and dissect, which would really just as great, but me.. I thought my guy was going to known, as my best friend, he was going to be around a lot. My family was going to know him and love him like he was family, before he was even part of it. Loving all those traits, us sisters especially posses, knowing all the craziness my family has to offer, he would welcome the next poor guy who would need to meet my family.” Then I smiled and said “..but Lorinda has that. She learned to love my family, no matter how big and opinionated it was, and she fit in just like family, even before she was. And she’s marrying her best friend.”
And it’s perfect, in all it’s imperfections.
So, I was just reflecting on love in general and I thought of you. The love between best friends. I have been quite obsessive about these lyrics lately, and I think they are quite fitting. Congratulations. Now, for planning?

“All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you.”
-Daughtry

BreakEven

All my life has been spent in this haze. I have never had a true definition of self because I either didn’t want to admit who I was, or others didn’t perceive me as who I was. Yes, there was defining moment where I think “I’ve got it right”, congratulations, but then something irrevocable and absolutely disappointing happens and my beliefs about self falter. No, never my belief in God, for he is magnificent.
I don’t understand until things are in hindsight, but how many things can you view in hindsight before you realize things are never working out as you hoped, oh hoped, they would.
I had that moment last night, midnight. I had been skeptical about love since I became the girl that correlated with the dreaded, yet amazing title: ‘friend’. But I grew up and now friendship has stuck and became the official title, instead of what most people like to embark upon the title: relationship. I want the pitter patter heart that occurs when I am with the opposite sex, to stop always searching and find that best friend. My feelings have abounded for several different guys in my life time, though only a short few, for I regulate who I let in, and why. I never have a shallow desire; dreadfully my feelings are always deep rooted, which can be viewed as a blessing and curse. All these potentials were different, extremely, which makes defining the “right” type a difficult, yet adventurous task. On the pitiful side obviously I have never found the right type, because they simply have never stuck.
Through time I always hope I am getting warmer, like that childhood game you play, almost to annoy the other person playing for your own enjoyment you make them feel like idiot while following your voice, and it’s especially fun when you get to yell ‘cold!’. The word ‘cold’ has been shouted in my ear probably a billion times in my teenage slash young adulthood when it involves making decisions, I don’t know if I have ever been ‘hot’.
My hope for ‘hot’ has taken its stabs throughout the years, especially when I heard it whispered, but never shouted. I had a best friend in high school. I have liked several boys, but to say I have loved, I am sure there is but one. This one whisper of ‘hot’ came in my high school days when I decided my future on a volleyball road trip. My best friend was behind me and all I remember thinking that night was my plan to be in love forever with that friend as different as he was from me. In that three hour trip I gave up my dreams of travelling and going to school, I made a sacrifice to stay in that small town, simply because I loved the boy in it. I was never asked to, probably why ‘hot’ was only whispered.
Even though I do not pertain the same kind of love for him as I did in high school I still can identify that loving him was no accidental occurrence.
Last night I stayed up late talking to one of my new friends about love and life, sounds pretty typical, but it was anything but typical. One of the questions that dominated my thoughts was this: How much love does one need to possess to fall in love, or be in a relationship with, if they don’t have the same passion in life as you do?
I used to feel love was infallible. Opposite interest? Love would conquer all. That is stupidly naïve, but perhaps I am just extra cynical today. … I listened to the ideals of this friend, pretty much the exact opposite of mine. Then the words “see, I could like you..” came out of his mouth. Like as pertaining to ‘warm’? Those words startled me because here I was in the middle of an epiphany about how love may not conquer opposite dreams, or scratch that not only dreams but ones thoughts. Our ideals are what make us, how could we possible have the same approach to life and create ‘hot’ if everything is completely off kilter? Forget the magical romance movies.
I had never been so particular about love until I meet a random stranger who had the biggest, yet indefinable, passion I had in life. Once again I am using the word passion, when I mean objectives to life. It was this connection, and suddenly I thought about love in a whole new way, perhaps ‘hot’ was going to be with someone with the same passion and objectives. Are our ‘soul mates’, and I define that in the manner as someone like ourselves, the ones we are supposed to fall in love with, or just a reminder that you are not alone in the world?
My best friend, from the small town, and I were once having a conversation about life. I got frustrated and said: “I guess I am always going to think different than you!” I meant for it to be a stab at his intellectualism, like I was the upper hand. But instead of getting angry and defending himself he simply said a line that left me cold.
“And Jodi, that is the only reason we aren’t together.” Cause when a heart break, no, it don’t breakeven.

This letter to you.

Dear Jackie.
I was going to write this by hand, there is something special about reading a letter that is hand written. But my words don’t come out quite as poetic, and inspired.
I also wanted to get this letter to you before I left Redeemer, but, I was always with you, so I just let my thoughts float around in my mind for the last few days. And there was definitely a number of thoughts. Ones I don’t want to say, cause I fear they will just confuse you, or really pertain to no helpful purpose. I want this letter to be up building, but also truthful. There was things I didn’t want to think at Redeemer, actually sometimes they had to do more with me willing acknowledge something good in fear of it’s greatness would complicate my already scrambled future, or present.
At times I would sit in your classes and just allow myself to imagine myself as a student attending that college. Or when I would just casually wander into the grocery outlet, acting like a student getting that night meal, or picking out my favorite cereal for the week. It is amazingly frustrating how life seems so versatile, yet completely unchangeable, when you know there is another destination, a whole different world, waiting for you. That other world you can’t leave behind no matter the pro’s and cons you mentally make in your head for the place you’re wandering around, observing, and loving. I admit to feeling that confusion this past week, and in two minutes of panic I almost wanted to wake you up and tell you all these epiphanies, lucky I don’t wake a sleeping person. The morning light really reminds me of real life, and how great my reality is most of the time. Even when I complain, I have a million and one things to be thankful for. Friends that make me laugh to a point of tears. That hopeful glance I get from some one I think could be important to me if they aren’t already. The smile that I get when I feel completely amazed at some grandeur of God’s grace, usually lost in singing, while closing my eyes. And lastly, these letters to you. These letters allow me to explore the inner depths of how I really feel, and say them not only to a computer screen but to you, my friend.
So, as I leave this place with you I want you to know how much I love you, and to remind you how wonderfully brilliant your story is.
We have grown up together and I saw much of your life in the small town we call home, but when some one is absent from that place you can only imagine that other world they describe to you. Like many descriptions there is holes to reality. I stepped inside that reality this past week, the holey world I could only imagine, and I put on your lenses. The lenses of love for where you’re at, but also the fear of where you could be going. Stepping back into my own shoes I realize how identical our feelings are in regard to small issues as well as the over all picture. We are trying so desperately to obtain something in this life, and most occasions I know what that is: truth, purpose, and readiness to except the hand dealt to us. There is just the overall question to these things: how do we receive and know when we have found that purpose?
Just today you said to me: “.. there is no point in worrying about what is in the future..”.. for the future will take care of it’s self. I think forever I will be one to look at all the simplicities of life and smile, but still acknowledge that I haven’t lived my full adventure, my destined purpose. I hope there is a moment in time that we can hit each other and whisper with a smile on our faces and say “hey, so I just realized my purpose..” then live it to the best of our abilities. We don’t have to worry about the future, for the future and our purpose has found us.

“Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down.”
-The Fray

And by the way, I miss you.