I have been so scattered lately! No lie. I have been carelessly searching for God's will in my life. I mean that exactly.. Care-less. But, I have been searching. There are these moments when I pause and feel absolutely disappointed in myself. How I conduct myself, what I put my priorities in, and most of all, just trying to get a check list of things done in my life.
I realized when I was in England how often I went somewhere just to take photos.. and say- Oh, I have been there.. and I can prove it! But, time after time I forgot to enjoy the moment, the site I so badly needed to take a snap shot of, just so I could check it off a list. The times I just laid back, to see, hear and taste the environment around me, I couldn't help but smile, and thank God for a wonderful moment he blessed me with.
I wish I could do that every day, but so often something complicates that wonderfulness. There is decisions to be made, plans to work on, opportunities taken and opportunities missed.
I think I missed an opportunity in the past few months, but I am starting to understand more and more that maybe I was supposed to. It may have been a great opportunity, but, perhaps I am just disappointed it wasn't just another thing I could just check off my list.. and that is the ultimate reason I missed it. I didn't have pure intentions.
I am starting to rabble.

Calling me Sugar, you called me Sugar..

I had one if those days, that upon reflection had so many treasures.
I got to have three different moments with close friends. And I realized I was richly blessed.
First, I have been having weekly lunches with one of friends, that I keep just getting to know more and more. We have known each other for years, and have been friends for just as many years, but just in the past year I have gladly called him best friend. At the end of lunch, and these lunches are coming to a near end, I just had to smile and think how lucky we had been to spend time and just talk, catch up one on one, and have godly chats every week.
Then, I got another blessing. I have a friend, who honestly has the ability to drive me nuts frequently. And, I have a hard time telling her when I do love and appreciate her. I guess I am afraid she could abuse my feelings at that moment.. I know I have to take the time to remind her at I really do love her. But there is times where I just let myself completely love her company, and once again I smile to myself, and thank God quietly about how blessed I am.
Lastly, I had dinner and a game night with a few girl friends of mine. And I realized that I wish I knew how to incorporate what happened there tonight into my weekly life, because once again, I am blessed.

Maybe today, you can put the past away.

It's been a long while since my last post.
I have had this whirl wind, yet slightly dull summer break. Nothing really went as I expected, in a good and bad way. Some of my wants weren't fulfilled, yet, some wonderful surprises popped up.
Mostly I got lost in late 90's rock, and thought about life. Where I see myself in a year, 2 years, 10 years. Some days everything seems like it'd fall right into place, other times, anything but falling into place.
If you have heard me talk about this year, you would know that I saw this as the most devastating, yet amazing year. But, I would talk in past tense, like all that amazing devastation was over. I'm wrong.
Oh, no, I don't think God was quite done breaking and remodeling me.
I got into this messy situation in the last few days that I never saw coming. Something was revealed to me, that I would rather had lived in oblivion with. Ignorance is bliss. I honestly do believe that statement.
Once I was let in on the secret I got the worst feeling, a feeling that probably surfaces to the top 5 worst feelings I have ever had in my life.
A knot formed in my stomach and my eyes instantly watered. Most of all, I was disappointed. This deep, honestly feel like vomiting, disappointment.
I sat for hours not sure what to do, or to do anything at all. I didn't want to ask the questions I knew God was putting in front of me. So, I went to two different people and emptied the hurt and anguish I had building inside of me. Perhaps if I passed it on, then it wouldn't be me God was prodding to take action. I took time to just cry, and listen to even more 90's rock.
Then I had the unconditional comfort of my best friend, and the challenge and understanding of another best friend.
Tonight I had a 3 hour conversation that I knew I would hear, yet, so many things became clearer to me, and unfortunately some other things became more grayed to me. One thing that stood out to me was that I seemed to have a hard time praying about it. I couldn't. I was tongue tied, and absent minded. And I am starting to question why, and what is it that I need to overcome.
I'm off to think. Or, pray.

Dear Friend,
For as long as I can remember I have been pretty quick tempered and sensitive.
I can remember when close friends started calling me "drama" the past few months I felt really horrible about myself... They also claimed they didn't mean it in a bad way, but I remember I felt so sad because I didn't see it as Godly.. For many reasons. I felt like I lacked maturity, love, and most of all wisdom. And I long for wisdom.
Tonight I sat down with my Bible and asked God to lead me.. lead me to something that when I read it some source of understanding will take place in my heart and mind.
My hands just naturally flipped to a favorite chapter, Ecc. 3.. but while on my way to that page my eyes got glued to the title of Ecc. 7- Wisdom.
Honestly I felt a guilt slip into my heart when I saw that word.. Wisdom. The word wisdom was like a huge elephant in the room, or between God and I. Like God knew my deep dark secret: I lacked wisdom.
I don't know how to deal with disappointment or frustration. Especially when I feel mistreated, which I did when I lost my temper tonight. A scary thing came upon me.. I had a huge pile of resentment and anger built up against a dear friend. I can point fingers at whose fault was what, but I end up getting so far from the idea of God's love, I feel physically ill.
I find faults in those around me, then the horrible ones I possess. I start lacking in the good parts of my personality, and can only see the bad, the sinful.
Part of me needs this humbling, but other times I think it's just useless and graceless, if not detrimental. I realize being mad at myself or those around me isn't really wise either way.
So I contemplate what wisdom is and how, oh how, do I attain it? One thing I got lost in tonight was the connecting verses in Ecc, Corinthians and Job. 1 Cor. being about "having the mind of Christ".
So it unfolded to me like this ...
God's thoughts, God's spirit
mind= thoughts + spirit =connection.
God's spirit + God's mind = connection.
We are told as Christians that we have the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, dwelling within us.
we = possession of Spirit= God's Spirit.
God's Spirit + Mind= connected.
So, then we are told in 1 Cor. we, followers of Christ, have the mind of Christ.
We= having God's Mind.
Which makes sense since mind and Spirit are linked.
So, I understand that the Spirit is dwelling within us.. I guess I just saw it that if we weren't following Christ that the Spirit was not within us at that moment. But, then we are told we have the mind of Christ, it gets me. How?
My curiosity lead me to google.
I read a commentary about how the mind of Christ works..
"So we can see that to have the mind of Christ is not that Christians are perfect in their thoughts or that they have an infinite mind. But a process of thinking more spiritually about things. Seeing events in this life in their correct perspective. From a heavenly view." -Rod Jackson.
This makes sense to me. It's the idea of constantly transforming our mind, to that of Christ's.. which is given to us through his word, and spirit.
I'm working on that.

"Tomato"

I spent my last night in England perfectly.
First, I played 'Hide and Seek' with Kezia before her bed time. And she is funny with games.. she makes up her own rules, or, as with 'Hide and Seek', she calls out where she is.. or, asks you were you are going to hide when it's her turn to count. :)
Then, I took a walk on my favorite trail beside the Garwood home. And got a picture of my family tree, in the middle of a field. It has a chair knocked over right beside it, and I think it's just one of those.. things, a photo worthy, unique stick in your head kind of sights. The weather outside was refreshing at 7:30ish pm. My walk included the wind blowing wildly through the trees.. and sun was going down, and it was edging towards night... yet, there was this one part of my trail walk when I was heading towards a bridge, and the sun was shining so brightly through the trees that I couldn't see.. honestly, this guy was suddenly walking past me. A smile on his face. Whenever I met someone on the trail they always seemed friendly. Walking their dogs, biking, or many older couples holding hands and talking a stroll.
I always came to this trail for jogs.. and I always stopped at this bench that over looked a big plowed field, with the tree and chair in the middle. And this is where I thought. And was thankful. Even if I was having a bad day I would go out there, and felt.. guilty, because I knew that I was so blessed. And the.. simple beauty in that place astounded me every time, from day 1.
After my walk, I got back and spent about 2 hours talking to my host family, parents. I really felt so, sad when it was time for bed. It was the best possible way to spend my night, my last night here. It was typical. It was what I enjoyed most here.. just sitting, drinking tea and chatting about random subjects. I have felt so.. comfortable here. It really surprised me how much so. I try not to take it for granted, because I know that God designed this just for me. And I hope to keep in touch with this wonderful family in Aylsham Norfolk. I think I'll come visit :).

Proverbs 16:9

I have spent months thinking about my future. I had worries, mostly the idea death versus life kept coming into my thoughts. Not just the literal sense of life and death, but death as in the absence of really living, fully. And then I questioned what really living meant.
I grew into this person I was never actually sure I would be. Where I would go see the world, and really discover myself within it. I have only been in England for two months, and already I believe I will fall in love with the many apsects of culture, nature, history this nation has to offer. I want to see it all, if possible. Yet, I want to live it simply. I want to have a job I love, where I am settled in one home, with a family. Where I can love a husband and children. Where I can make homemade pies, make family traditions and curl up watching a movie.
So, I have declared five years of travel, at least, then the other part of my life. Cynically I think- how far will I get? But, this is my hope.
My hopes in discovering the world is that I might learn. Learn what other people are like, for we are all made in God's image. I want to learn about their practices, their way of living, and adapting a part of it for myself. Leaving England I have come out with a few traditions I would like to carry on in my life, even if I am not present in England.
I would also strive to make friends in other countries, calling them my brothers and sisters in Christ. Where I could love different ethnicities, and a better understanding of our differences, and build a bridge between our gapped lives.
Where there is tears, I want to help share a burden. Asking God to break my heart for what breaks his. And passing on some of my peace and restoration to a people who need it desperately.
I want to be awed. I want to smile, and cry from being overwhelmed at God's splendor. Whether that be sitting on a Mountain's peak, being surronded by his people, drinking tea in a cafe, or seeing architecture that makes me thank God for brilliant minds.
Then.. there would the solitude, yet, excitment of having a family. Of being part of two. Of understanding some one who, is all mine, well, and God's! And then my awe would come in the of my heart filling with warmth, security, and new memories meant to be shared. A servant like relationship, that is filled with laughter, tears and unconditional fondness.

But mostly... I want to be an ambassador of Christ. A missionary. Salt and Light of the world, wherever I am, moving or still. Using the gifts and talents God had bestowed upon me, for they are not my own doing. Ultimately, it's about Love. To share where it's needed. To receive it. And then, love God for that amazing love.

Some coming, and some going.

Today I had my first goodbye of all my England goodbyes.. It was to a little girl, four year old, completely adorable. A niece to my host mother. Suddenly it really dawned on me how sad I was to be leaving.
Yes, I am excited about coming things in my life.. Holland, Houston then Ukraine, God willing.. but at times I wish I could freeze all the good moments, cherish them. The thing that got me, is that, well, I have to admit, I did quite a bit of reading in front of this little girl...so, I was pleasantly surprised when she whispered to her mom "I'm sad.. I like her.." It brought a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye. As lame as that might sound. Then, when Felicity, Kezia and I were driving home, Kezia asked me if I wanted to go to an outdoor/indoor playground with them on Monday... and we had to remind her that that was the day I was leaving to go home and see my mummy and daddy.. and she just sighed sadly.. here we are talking about how it's going to be a hard day for her.. but, I realized it's going to be a hard day for me too, more than I had anticipated.
But, I also love knowing that I have the capacity to fall in love with places, people, new experiences... I can go around the world making friends, and memories... but never, without some heartache.. but, that my friend, is a little coming, and a little going.. the seasons of life.
I remember using that metaphor the day I cam here... and it's completely true, thank you Donald Miller.