I have been so scattered lately! No lie. I have been carelessly searching for God's will in my life. I mean that exactly.. Care-less. But, I have been searching. There are these moments when I pause and feel absolutely disappointed in myself. How I conduct myself, what I put my priorities in, and most of all, just trying to get a check list of things done in my life.
I realized when I was in England how often I went somewhere just to take photos.. and say- Oh, I have been there.. and I can prove it! But, time after time I forgot to enjoy the moment, the site I so badly needed to take a snap shot of, just so I could check it off a list. The times I just laid back, to see, hear and taste the environment around me, I couldn't help but smile, and thank God for a wonderful moment he blessed me with.
I wish I could do that every day, but so often something complicates that wonderfulness. There is decisions to be made, plans to work on, opportunities taken and opportunities missed.
I think I missed an opportunity in the past few months, but I am starting to understand more and more that maybe I was supposed to. It may have been a great opportunity, but, perhaps I am just disappointed it wasn't just another thing I could just check off my list.. and that is the ultimate reason I missed it. I didn't have pure intentions.
I am starting to rabble.

Calling me Sugar, you called me Sugar..

I had one if those days, that upon reflection had so many treasures.
I got to have three different moments with close friends. And I realized I was richly blessed.
First, I have been having weekly lunches with one of friends, that I keep just getting to know more and more. We have known each other for years, and have been friends for just as many years, but just in the past year I have gladly called him best friend. At the end of lunch, and these lunches are coming to a near end, I just had to smile and think how lucky we had been to spend time and just talk, catch up one on one, and have godly chats every week.
Then, I got another blessing. I have a friend, who honestly has the ability to drive me nuts frequently. And, I have a hard time telling her when I do love and appreciate her. I guess I am afraid she could abuse my feelings at that moment.. I know I have to take the time to remind her at I really do love her. But there is times where I just let myself completely love her company, and once again I smile to myself, and thank God quietly about how blessed I am.
Lastly, I had dinner and a game night with a few girl friends of mine. And I realized that I wish I knew how to incorporate what happened there tonight into my weekly life, because once again, I am blessed.

Maybe today, you can put the past away.

It's been a long while since my last post.
I have had this whirl wind, yet slightly dull summer break. Nothing really went as I expected, in a good and bad way. Some of my wants weren't fulfilled, yet, some wonderful surprises popped up.
Mostly I got lost in late 90's rock, and thought about life. Where I see myself in a year, 2 years, 10 years. Some days everything seems like it'd fall right into place, other times, anything but falling into place.
If you have heard me talk about this year, you would know that I saw this as the most devastating, yet amazing year. But, I would talk in past tense, like all that amazing devastation was over. I'm wrong.
Oh, no, I don't think God was quite done breaking and remodeling me.
I got into this messy situation in the last few days that I never saw coming. Something was revealed to me, that I would rather had lived in oblivion with. Ignorance is bliss. I honestly do believe that statement.
Once I was let in on the secret I got the worst feeling, a feeling that probably surfaces to the top 5 worst feelings I have ever had in my life.
A knot formed in my stomach and my eyes instantly watered. Most of all, I was disappointed. This deep, honestly feel like vomiting, disappointment.
I sat for hours not sure what to do, or to do anything at all. I didn't want to ask the questions I knew God was putting in front of me. So, I went to two different people and emptied the hurt and anguish I had building inside of me. Perhaps if I passed it on, then it wouldn't be me God was prodding to take action. I took time to just cry, and listen to even more 90's rock.
Then I had the unconditional comfort of my best friend, and the challenge and understanding of another best friend.
Tonight I had a 3 hour conversation that I knew I would hear, yet, so many things became clearer to me, and unfortunately some other things became more grayed to me. One thing that stood out to me was that I seemed to have a hard time praying about it. I couldn't. I was tongue tied, and absent minded. And I am starting to question why, and what is it that I need to overcome.
I'm off to think. Or, pray.

Dear Friend,
For as long as I can remember I have been pretty quick tempered and sensitive.
I can remember when close friends started calling me "drama" the past few months I felt really horrible about myself... They also claimed they didn't mean it in a bad way, but I remember I felt so sad because I didn't see it as Godly.. For many reasons. I felt like I lacked maturity, love, and most of all wisdom. And I long for wisdom.
Tonight I sat down with my Bible and asked God to lead me.. lead me to something that when I read it some source of understanding will take place in my heart and mind.
My hands just naturally flipped to a favorite chapter, Ecc. 3.. but while on my way to that page my eyes got glued to the title of Ecc. 7- Wisdom.
Honestly I felt a guilt slip into my heart when I saw that word.. Wisdom. The word wisdom was like a huge elephant in the room, or between God and I. Like God knew my deep dark secret: I lacked wisdom.
I don't know how to deal with disappointment or frustration. Especially when I feel mistreated, which I did when I lost my temper tonight. A scary thing came upon me.. I had a huge pile of resentment and anger built up against a dear friend. I can point fingers at whose fault was what, but I end up getting so far from the idea of God's love, I feel physically ill.
I find faults in those around me, then the horrible ones I possess. I start lacking in the good parts of my personality, and can only see the bad, the sinful.
Part of me needs this humbling, but other times I think it's just useless and graceless, if not detrimental. I realize being mad at myself or those around me isn't really wise either way.
So I contemplate what wisdom is and how, oh how, do I attain it? One thing I got lost in tonight was the connecting verses in Ecc, Corinthians and Job. 1 Cor. being about "having the mind of Christ".
So it unfolded to me like this ...
God's thoughts, God's spirit
mind= thoughts + spirit =connection.
God's spirit + God's mind = connection.
We are told as Christians that we have the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, dwelling within us.
we = possession of Spirit= God's Spirit.
God's Spirit + Mind= connected.
So, then we are told in 1 Cor. we, followers of Christ, have the mind of Christ.
We= having God's Mind.
Which makes sense since mind and Spirit are linked.
So, I understand that the Spirit is dwelling within us.. I guess I just saw it that if we weren't following Christ that the Spirit was not within us at that moment. But, then we are told we have the mind of Christ, it gets me. How?
My curiosity lead me to google.
I read a commentary about how the mind of Christ works..
"So we can see that to have the mind of Christ is not that Christians are perfect in their thoughts or that they have an infinite mind. But a process of thinking more spiritually about things. Seeing events in this life in their correct perspective. From a heavenly view." -Rod Jackson.
This makes sense to me. It's the idea of constantly transforming our mind, to that of Christ's.. which is given to us through his word, and spirit.
I'm working on that.

"Tomato"

I spent my last night in England perfectly.
First, I played 'Hide and Seek' with Kezia before her bed time. And she is funny with games.. she makes up her own rules, or, as with 'Hide and Seek', she calls out where she is.. or, asks you were you are going to hide when it's her turn to count. :)
Then, I took a walk on my favorite trail beside the Garwood home. And got a picture of my family tree, in the middle of a field. It has a chair knocked over right beside it, and I think it's just one of those.. things, a photo worthy, unique stick in your head kind of sights. The weather outside was refreshing at 7:30ish pm. My walk included the wind blowing wildly through the trees.. and sun was going down, and it was edging towards night... yet, there was this one part of my trail walk when I was heading towards a bridge, and the sun was shining so brightly through the trees that I couldn't see.. honestly, this guy was suddenly walking past me. A smile on his face. Whenever I met someone on the trail they always seemed friendly. Walking their dogs, biking, or many older couples holding hands and talking a stroll.
I always came to this trail for jogs.. and I always stopped at this bench that over looked a big plowed field, with the tree and chair in the middle. And this is where I thought. And was thankful. Even if I was having a bad day I would go out there, and felt.. guilty, because I knew that I was so blessed. And the.. simple beauty in that place astounded me every time, from day 1.
After my walk, I got back and spent about 2 hours talking to my host family, parents. I really felt so, sad when it was time for bed. It was the best possible way to spend my night, my last night here. It was typical. It was what I enjoyed most here.. just sitting, drinking tea and chatting about random subjects. I have felt so.. comfortable here. It really surprised me how much so. I try not to take it for granted, because I know that God designed this just for me. And I hope to keep in touch with this wonderful family in Aylsham Norfolk. I think I'll come visit :).

Proverbs 16:9

I have spent months thinking about my future. I had worries, mostly the idea death versus life kept coming into my thoughts. Not just the literal sense of life and death, but death as in the absence of really living, fully. And then I questioned what really living meant.
I grew into this person I was never actually sure I would be. Where I would go see the world, and really discover myself within it. I have only been in England for two months, and already I believe I will fall in love with the many apsects of culture, nature, history this nation has to offer. I want to see it all, if possible. Yet, I want to live it simply. I want to have a job I love, where I am settled in one home, with a family. Where I can love a husband and children. Where I can make homemade pies, make family traditions and curl up watching a movie.
So, I have declared five years of travel, at least, then the other part of my life. Cynically I think- how far will I get? But, this is my hope.
My hopes in discovering the world is that I might learn. Learn what other people are like, for we are all made in God's image. I want to learn about their practices, their way of living, and adapting a part of it for myself. Leaving England I have come out with a few traditions I would like to carry on in my life, even if I am not present in England.
I would also strive to make friends in other countries, calling them my brothers and sisters in Christ. Where I could love different ethnicities, and a better understanding of our differences, and build a bridge between our gapped lives.
Where there is tears, I want to help share a burden. Asking God to break my heart for what breaks his. And passing on some of my peace and restoration to a people who need it desperately.
I want to be awed. I want to smile, and cry from being overwhelmed at God's splendor. Whether that be sitting on a Mountain's peak, being surronded by his people, drinking tea in a cafe, or seeing architecture that makes me thank God for brilliant minds.
Then.. there would the solitude, yet, excitment of having a family. Of being part of two. Of understanding some one who, is all mine, well, and God's! And then my awe would come in the of my heart filling with warmth, security, and new memories meant to be shared. A servant like relationship, that is filled with laughter, tears and unconditional fondness.

But mostly... I want to be an ambassador of Christ. A missionary. Salt and Light of the world, wherever I am, moving or still. Using the gifts and talents God had bestowed upon me, for they are not my own doing. Ultimately, it's about Love. To share where it's needed. To receive it. And then, love God for that amazing love.

Some coming, and some going.

Today I had my first goodbye of all my England goodbyes.. It was to a little girl, four year old, completely adorable. A niece to my host mother. Suddenly it really dawned on me how sad I was to be leaving.
Yes, I am excited about coming things in my life.. Holland, Houston then Ukraine, God willing.. but at times I wish I could freeze all the good moments, cherish them. The thing that got me, is that, well, I have to admit, I did quite a bit of reading in front of this little girl...so, I was pleasantly surprised when she whispered to her mom "I'm sad.. I like her.." It brought a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye. As lame as that might sound. Then, when Felicity, Kezia and I were driving home, Kezia asked me if I wanted to go to an outdoor/indoor playground with them on Monday... and we had to remind her that that was the day I was leaving to go home and see my mummy and daddy.. and she just sighed sadly.. here we are talking about how it's going to be a hard day for her.. but, I realized it's going to be a hard day for me too, more than I had anticipated.
But, I also love knowing that I have the capacity to fall in love with places, people, new experiences... I can go around the world making friends, and memories... but never, without some heartache.. but, that my friend, is a little coming, and a little going.. the seasons of life.
I remember using that metaphor the day I cam here... and it's completely true, thank you Donald Miller.

For you and Me..

I wrote this email to a friend today, and thought I'd share it, since, it contains the stories I'd want to write anyways!..

"I wanted to say -HAPPY EASTER! to you, Jesus died and rose again- for YOU! Pretty Amazing eh? Man, I love God, and you!
I had an interesting experience this past Good Friday.. My host family and I participated in this "Jesus Walk" in the town I live here in England. The community churches all come together, and a number of different people from different congregations get together and walk through the town... and a man in front holds up the Cross. And then we all stop in certain spots and read scripture and pray together.
It was really neat to see about 40+ people walking in a procession through town.. behind the cross.
But, then I'll admit.. my heart took a few turns.. see, these 4 young guys were walking past our group mocking us.. saying "hear thee, hear thee" and just laughing.. and I just felt.. awkward.. BUT, then I realized something, I was excited to be a follower of Christ! And perhaps this declaration of our love for God seemed strange to these guys, but, that is why I needed to pray for them, for their hearts to see us, and perhaps a thought will enter their mind, and hearts.. and they will be curious about the group of people walking through town, and the cross they were carrying. :)
Another cool thing I just thought of now.. I was sitting in church this Easter Sunday morning.. and we got these little cut out Easter eggs that said "..because Jesus is Alive.." and then we fill in the blank. And I thought "Because Jesus is alive, I can fellowship with believers, and we can be the body of Christ.." And we prayed about it.. I guess I didn't think about it to much throughout the rest of the service though. Then we had coffee fellowship time after wards.. and I just happened to sit down at a table with one other lady.. and we ended up talking for quite awhile, and it really blessed my heart! God answered my prayers, to fellowship with another Christian, and honestly, I haven't had long conversation with the people at this church, I go to this church less often (my host's families church), I usually go to a church with younger adults.. anyways, I really love this church as well, my host families, and the people are so friendly! But, I always felt like I didn't know how to.. approach some one in conversation.. but then today I did! Yes, it's the second last time I'm there, but still! It leaves me with a fond memory and blessing!
Anyways, sorry that was long! Haha, but, I just came across that second story just now and it excited me! Haha.
:)
So, I am praying for you, and thanking God for you today, that he died, and rose again, for you and me! Making us true sisters in Christ!"

London, map to the rest of the world.

This weekend I got to take a day trip to London. I loved it, I was thoroughly awed by the "must see" sights.. but also by just the city itself. Of course I was in the nicer, from tourist filled area. I loved the building, mostly all stone, etched around me. Looking up and see beyond the next building was impossible. I loved the history and cultural surrounding me. I even enjoyed talking to a homeless man selling magazines.. I bought one, and he was very polite... thinking back on it, I could've made more of a conversation with him.
I loved the hundred cafes all around, book stores, clothing stores I knew I could barely afford anything from. Ha. But most of all, I loved the groups of people I encountered. First, I was heading towards Buckingham Palace, actually, it happened to be by fluke, but either way I saw the crowds of tourists.. and it was fun being in the same lot in life as them.. you know? But trying to figure what to take a picture of, or when to leave to the next London destination.. But, then I also liked being less Touisty.. which, I consider myself to be.. since I am actually currently living in England. I encountered the second huge group of people in Trafalgar Square. There was a festival going on.. Holland House.. a band? or event? Ha.. but there was just people roaming around, drinking beer, listening to this live band and wearing Orange.. just having a great time. I felt less like a tourist.. just enjoying the city with the rest of the people.
I felt pretty safe, comfortable and confident. It also made me quite excited to hopefully go explore more of the world and love it.. but England will always be the first!

I have come to a conclusion. I love England, honestly, this country is beautiful. I feel wherever I go... town, city, village, country, coast, I like it. But, what excites me even more, is that I feel confident I will like traveling too. And going to Ukraine, and hopefully, visiting other Euro. countries next year just pumps me up!
I had a few jokes directed towards my education today. First an old room mate said to me that when she meet me she thought I was educational, and intellectual.. then I decided to dropout of college and travel. Then I had another friend jokingly taunt me with "dropppouuuttt". I forgave them. Ha, because I knew they meant well, and then reassured me that I was.. intellectual and smart.
I have come to the the self evaluation that I like learning through the world. I said to both my friends "I'd rather see the Royal family's home then read about it!". I so badly want to see that the world can teach me.
Even being in England, where life is pretty comfortable for me, I have learned. There is so much out there to see it.. almost makes me anxious to see it all! Impossible. But, I know that I'd like to, so far.

Oh! The Places you will G0

I don't have a title for this post yet, because I am not sure what it's going to be about. Titles usually elude to the greatest discussed issue in the body. Problem is, I haven't quite made up my mind what to write about, what to discuss..
So, instead, I am going to do what I do best... just blab... and as my title for this blog suggests... I am going to... wonder ... particularly on this very wall post.
I feel that perhaps typing my thoughts will lead me to some great conclusion... like suddenly everything in life will become suddenly clearer, and I'll be enlightened. But, I am not sure how to piece these thoughts together.. so, here is my... "piecing".
First.. I spent half a year of my life in Houston, thinking I was going to dread it, but, ended up learning a significant amount, and enjoying about 80% of the time. That is a pretty high percent, and thus I am quite thankful very such a time.
Then, rationally, yet, irrationally, I decided to jump on a plane to England, and work as an Au Pair, which I had been planning for months. But, the only problem was.. that in those months of being in Houston, and "planning" to futurely, (not a word!), become an Au Pair, I discovered my hearts desire was to be involved with missions. Now, I am in England.. and let me tell you about it!
See, what people need to understand is this.. just because you are in a different location, like somewhere rad like England, does not mean life is always.. great. Not to say my life isn't great at some moments, for I have seen God's wonders in England. But, sometimes work is work, and not seeing friends is not seeing friends. Now, these things don't bother me all that much, knowing that this is where I am supposed to be. I have seen England's beauty and charm.. I have seen culture, and I have come to love a family dwelling within the small area of Aylsham. Here comes the next thing though... while here, and even before I was here, my mind and heart were in missions. Now, I resist being impatient, or discontent not doing exactly what I feel called to do. For I know there is lessons everywhere.. new things to learn that I can take into the next stage of my life, which, may very well be in missions. The only thing is this.. I keep thinking of the next stage of my life while I am in the present. And that is a problem.. is it not? Like, when you're in college and you look forward to Christmas break, to go home, then while at home you think of wanting to be back at college! It's a never ending circle of discontentment.. and I want it to stop!
I have recently, been invited to go work beside two missionaries in Ukraine, and I'm absolutely blessed, and excited! But, I keep telling myself that I need to enjoy where I am at, just being in England.. this was my dream at one point too! And, if you ever come to England, take time to marvel at how older England holds much history, and places like London can hold much culture. I plan to take two day trips in the next few weekends- one to Cambridge, the other to London! So, if you're reading this.. then, take a minute, sit and smile about where you're at, even if it doesn't seem like the dream at the time. Stop looking on top of the mountain peak for some where else to go!
And one of my favorite books, Dr. Seuss -Oh! The Places you will Go!
-You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

"Daughters of Jerusalem"

Yes, my Beloved, He's the fairest of 10,000
Yes, He is holy, He is humble, meek and lowly

Yes, my Beloved, He's the fairest of 10,000
And yes, He is holy, He is humble, meek and lowly

Daughters of Jerusalem, tell me if you find him
I am lovesick, I am lovesick
Daughters of Jerusalem, tell me if you find him
I am lovesick, I am lovesick

All I want is to be near you, with you where you are
All I want is to be near you, with you where you are

Perhaps I have posted these lyrics before.. It's a beautiful song I learned while in college. Every Thursday night I would to "Harp and Bowl" ..

{The Harp and Bowl style of worship, which features musical prayer, derives its name from Revelation 5:8, which describes heavenly creatures which each "had a harp" and "were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints."

A common feature of harp and bowl worship is antiphonal singers, who use the Bible as a song book along with spontaneous instrumental accompaniment.[1]

This style can sustain long periods of worship - for instance, the International House of Prayer in Kansas City has used this method of worship to sustain a prayer meeting since September 1999. Their example has inspired other churches to adopt similar practices.[2]}
Anyways, to say the least it was beautiful, some of my most touching, powerful worshipful moments I have encountered.
This song is how I am feeling right about now... "I want to be near you, with you where you are..."
I have had strings pulling at my heart and mind the last few days, or actually, months when I really take time to think about it. I came to England with some... mhm... hesitation. Not because I didn't want to go, but wasn't sure if this was my calling. I knew I desired to be in missions, or to be an environment where I was receiving more discipleship training. Yes, I believe I can be a disciple anywhere, but, I want to be.. immersed into missions, and finding my foot hold in mission based work, in an obvious, intentional way. Does that make sense?
I feel like sure, I am enjoying myself here, and in the job I am at, well most of the time! I am feeling a bit tired and cranky today.
But.. I am not being challenged, I don't feel myself changing for God, or understanding him or myself better.
So, I have had a change of plans! I am going to try and love being in England, being with a wonderful family, seeing wonderful things... playing house, eating Cherry pastries, watching the Big Bang Theory, Skyping late at night with April, jogging along the beautiful path and sitting on the bench. These things I love.
But, instead of coming back next fall with a new family, I am going to change my path. I am going to seek out mission work, or school. I am going to see where God leads me in that.

"You're an Onion"

-for the Father himself loves you dearly... John 16:27
Isn't this an amazing verse? All I can say.. Rad.
This weekend was one I have never ever experienced before. At one point I was laughing and fellowshipping with three girls- all from different countries.. Brazil, Portugal and France. We all spoke English, at least with our own accents. I loved it, God made us all, and we were all in love with him.
This love became even more evident to me when us four went to a Praise and Worship service in London. The place was filled with love.. love for God, our neighbor.. And God for us!
We sang this one song that said
"Let Heaven come and invade this place..", this was our desire!
The speaker that evening was very open, honest and touching. He spoke on what his passion is in life- healing the Orphan heart, helping the fatherless people of our nation. Our generation has become one of "fatherlessness"... a world broken and wounded by.. so many things.. abuse, neglect, selfishness, ultimately.. our sin.
There was a newspaper article that Mark (Stibbe)read to us about a group of girls in Britain named "Britain's Bad Girls".. these girls are just causing trouble around Britain.. acting in gangs, etc.
But, as many of us can piece together, that with every action there is some motivation, or in this case an emotional past trigger. . Many of these girls admitted that they had an abusive/unloving father, or mother. See, how our relationships effect those around us? There is a world full of hurting people. And the thing is.. when some one experiences an abusive, unloving relationship with their Father on earth- they, sadly, equate that with their father in heaven.
How wrong, yet, perhaps understandable. My heart breaks for these situations. I think God touched my heart.
It's crazy because I keep having these reoccurring themes in my life..
first, I keep hearing the verse, or phrase, -O God let us be a generation that seek, that seeks your face, O God of Jacob.
I was amazed that God was clearly saying Rise up Nation! Now..
Then, I heard a lot about the seasons of life.. about how there is a time to grow and change.. move around, come home, etc.
Now.. this.. the "fatherless" nation concept.
What a cool thing.. I love hearing something repeated, because God knows I need a few times of hearing it for me to understand! Ha.
The rest of the day, and next, I got to meet all the other Au Pairs (from various different countries) that were working in England. We all got to bond, and they were all sweet, and funny. I loved feeling the community, and immediate friendship between us.
Lastly, another cool thing about my weekend! On the final leg of my longish trip back from London to Aylsham, I got to ride home with Mike, my host family Dad. We got to chat about Charismatic concepts, etc. It was good for me to hear his opinion, and just be able to have a conversation like that really blessed me!
Oh, and I got three books today, ready for the amazing finds and choices..
#1.. an older copy of my absolutely favorite book by Brennan Manning- The Ragamuffin gospel just fell into my hands! Rad? Rad.
#2..The Pilgrim's Progress.. yes, it's not as rad, but getting there. I haven't actually read it all yet, but, I am excited.
#3.. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! Wooohoooooo. This one also excites me... especially when I get to see houses from the 1600's like I did today! ah, what a life.
Okay!
Cheerio!

While sitting in my new home in Aylsham I randomly picked up a book off the Garwood's coffee table. It was called "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews (Ha, I love the name!). Anyways, I started reading it and got quite absorbed rather quickly.. it's a novel full of life lessons, and words that will make you stop and think. I highly recommend this book! Though.. I am not completely finished it myself yet, but I would still recommend at least the first 40 pages! It may be some what hard to see the vast significance of these words with out character and plot outline.

So, I thought I'd post some of the quotes I have come across to make me think, and ring true.

"Everybody wants to be on the mountaintop, but if you'll remember, mountaintops are rocky and cold. There is no growth on the top of a mountain. Sure, the view is great, but what's a view for? A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination-our next target. But to hit that target, we must come off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope. It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak."

"So, my contention is that you are right where you are supposed to be." The old man scooped up a double handful of the white sand and let it pour from his fingers. "It may look like barren sand to you, son, but nothing could be further from the truth. I say to you that, as you lay your head down tonight, you are sleeping on fertile ground. Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon... you will become."

"Remember, whatever you focus upon, increases...When you focus on the things you need, you'll find those needs increasing. If you concentrate your thoughts on what you don't have, you will soon be concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don't have-and feel worse! If you set your mind on loss, you are more likely to lose...But a grateful perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person's life."

Last Saturday I got attend a Capernwray presentation by four college students attending this bible school. Each student gave their background story, testimony and a glimpse of their experience as a Capernwray student. I absolutely loved hearing each one speak about the different things God was doing in their lives.. most of them had similar backgrounds.. actually, I don't like saying that.. because everyone has a unique story.. what I mean to say is this, they all grew up in a Christian homes, and lived in North America. One of the students had quite an opposite story, she was from Germany, and had gone through times in her life that I couldn't even fathom... my heart hurt for her, yet, she was now growing into this wonderful person from these experiences, I could tell she was down to earth...once you got to know her, she was funny and personable.

There was a Canadian among the group, from Alberta. After the presentation he approached me as a fellow Canadian and we talked for awhile. I could tell by the way he presented himself that he was also very down to earth, not super hyper or "outgoing", but friendly in his own way. One thing I picked up very quickly from our conversation is that he was slightly pessimistic about random things. I tend to get a long with sarcastic people, so this didn't bother me, if anything I found it refreshing. Felicity found how we related as Canadian's quite interesting.. and how we maneuvered through out conversation topics.. chatting about Americans vs Canadians, Missions vs. Bible School, etc.

I have always felt an odd one out when it came to loving college. See, when I was in college I loved certain aspects.. Praise and Worship services, my awesome friends and room mates, and some of the classes were interesting.. I loved that I could be with a body of people my age who liked being involved in different academic, curricular activities.. But.. there is huge but.. I just felt.. not quite right all the time.. I yearned to be.. out in the world, or, at least out of the small Dordt College Campus.

For months I struggled with as of why I seemed different than everyone else... many of my peers seemed to love college life.. going to the fun dances... hanging out late into the night... being alright with always being slightly tired... doing homework late...

It didn't add up.. I was pretty outgoing, or at least chatty.. I didn't mind groups of people, though I do know I before smaller, more personal groups of friends... and I didn't mind learning.. I was scared that if I didn't love college then maybe I wouldn't love anything! Or, I wouldn't be as... "well adapted" into society, ha.

But, then.. I heard about.. 4 people's testimonies that night at the Capernwray presentation that I found comfort in. Each of these students hadn't attended the typical college.. the two males had tried it out for one year and didn't enjoy it. One super outgoing, friendly, God driven guy said "University and I didn't get along!", Ha.

The Canadian was really honest and said though all his classmates at Capernwray were all pretty interested in heading into the mission field, he wasn't.. yes, he wanted to be involved in youth group leading, and he was a mentor.. but, his passion was construction.. and that was where he'd be a witness for God.

So often we forget that we can be a witness, a light, salt of the earth for God anywhere... at almost any career choice. So many of us young adults are wandering around thinking and arguing with ourselves as of what we should be doing with our lives.. we dismiss everyday opportunities... looking for something big and "meaningful" that should be our life goal.

Yes, I want to be involved with missions..Yes, I want to see the world... but, I also want the small things of life too. Being home, or mentoring a kid from my community... And most importantly, I want to be joyful in all these circumstances.. whether I am on the mountain peak, or the sloping hillside going to the valley.

I am on my way to England.
I am on the way to something new.
This is a new season.

I have been thinking continuously about the seasons of life. My friend once showed me a part of a book by Donald Miller that really got me thinking.. and touched my heart. It resonated many of my own ideas of life. I have been using some of his idea's to explain to people why England and my hope for a mission filled future is on my heart so often. But.. also, being.. home, part of one community, having lasting friend, and appreciating the small, simple things of life.
So, enough said from me.. here is Donald Miller, an amazing writer.

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
— Donald Miller (Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road)

And I will change my ways

"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

Mumford and Sons

Whenever I blog I think about conversations I have had in my life. I typically write about the one that resonates my thoughts at the moment when I blog. Yesterday night I had a few conversations that stuck pretty clearly in my head. But there is one simple line that keeps me guessing- honestly I remember being quite confused what it meant, so, the wording may even be a little off. But it was something like this -I always hit this problem with you'. Oh? It wasn't meant to be insulting, but, my resounding 'Oh?' still rings loud.
I never really could conclude what that continuous problem was.. Ha, I could assume a million things. My first thought was that it had to do with my fiestiness! I have been reflecting on the amount of time I argue- usually in entertainment- or the quickness I have acquired in being angry and defensive.
I have come to a few conclusions...
First.. I think I am legitimately upset sometimes. Ha. Don't worry I'll put my pride away in my second conclusion.
Secondly- I am stubborn! I get this from my dad, I know it. Sometimes my stubbornness is okay though... in sense that I have a strong opinion, and a tight grasp on what I believe. (was that really putting my pride away?. mhm.)
Thirdly.. I need to listen more... I sometimes consider myself a decent listener, but I need to do better.
Listening is a Godly virtue. I spend some much time talking, which can lead me to foolish words. Arguing, being defensive, and worrying to an obsessive point... knocking out listening.
And most importantly, I need to be listening to God. I want to be able to sit in silence for an hour without fidgeting, or picking up the phone, and being interpreted by something else I think I need to do. I yearn to hear, others, God. This my prayer not just this week, but for my life.

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu

I was going to try and write poetry, but if you know anything about my week, that seems too ironic. So instead I am going to be confusing, yet bluntly honest. Well, to give you a major hint the soundtrack to my life right now, sappy and ridiculous as it may sound, would be ".. cause when a heart break, no it don't breakeven.."
I would love to ramble on convincing myself that I wasn't heart broken over some guy, but, I said I'd be honest. Yes. Yes, I am.
But this I do know, I didn't know whether to.. be angry, sad, laugh, or whine. But then I came to a moment right after everything seemed to hit where God said- Jodi, Hey, calm down. Take a deep breath, and..re- evaluate.
I am almost certain God told me to reevaluate my life in the seconds after my heart broke. So, I have been sitting eyes tired, but my head full for the last 5 hours thinking mid night about what this all means.
Then, it all flashed through my head.. memories. I had done this before, I had experienced this before. Heck, when I was in grade 10 I picked up kick boxing- why? Because I had a broken heart, and God said, move your emotions to something else. I did, and I fell in love with kickboxing for a time in my life... and peace came into my heart.
And then again, I had yet another heart break, and I took up reading.. I just read whatever books fascinated me, and strove to learn... and peace came into my heart.
I have to take moments to just be.. BE.. me.. just do all those things I never take time to do because honestly, I was always with some one else.. or thinking about something else.
I let my heart be sad for awhile.. Ecc. says for everything there is a season. I go through seasons. I come out of something hard, and I reclaim my identity, or try to rediscover part of me that I let fall to the side. And.. I write. I look forward to seeing more of you blog.