In the past few months I got to glimpse into.. a whole other world. I was so detached from myself. I got lost in this fear, yet there was these moments of clarity. Moments where I felt overwhelmed by God's presence in my life. I lay in the dark of night, usually upset, and then I'd let myself just settle down and God said- Jodi.. just be here, with me, in this moment.. forget the fear.
I wish I could keep myself in those moments forever, but, I let myself fear, and become anxious almost every other minute. Now, of course, I recognize this as a real thing, a real problem that so many people struggle with. I am actually pretty positive that almost every family member of mine as concluded that I am a hypochondriac and then some. Truthfully, I am going through this time in my life where nothing makes sense, yet, everything makes sense.
Sorry, I am full of contradictions lately. I say one thing, and then act another. I say words to my friends about love, yet so often disregard love because I can't control the anxiousness that alters me. I proclaim that God is.. everything, yet I fear. Those two things do not equate.
I have had so many conversations in the past few weeks that will always stick with me. See when things get messy, and life takes time away from being the perfection you hoped for, you start seeing more truths. Honestly, half of these truths I didn't want to see. My father once sat me down and looked me and the eye and said "what are you scared of, because Jodi.. what does God tell us? Body and Soul- I belong to him. And then a best friend said- Jodi, life, is just temporary.. I felt so lost in those conversations. It was almost hard to agree because I felt like I was signing this agreement that life should be fleeting! I saw the idea of death, not eternal life. But, a few weeks later I stopped misreading what these loved ones were saying, and had the most beautiful conversation with my best friend. We brought up the past, and our grade 10 year. Our grade 10 year was probably what glued our lives together.
It was a night that when looking back has this... clarity, or, foresight. My friend and I went to a youth group meeting. And I remember this off feeling running through me the whole night. My friend was concerned about something in the back of her mind that would soon become much more evident as of why. I remember just sitting there.. just so dazed out, and troubled. The youth pastor, or some one, I can't quite recall that detail, started talking.. And I can't tell you what the story was about, I have tried to figure out the whole speech again, but, it has completely gone from my memory. But, these words have echoed through my mind for about four years now.. "come on, just.. take my hand".. Take my hand..they were coming from Jesus in this dialogue.
I went home that night and lay in bed stunned, and I cried. I cried because the words were so beautiful to me. Take my hand. I had never truly thought of Jesus this way, this.. "absolutely by your side- personal." The next morning my friend came to school in tears, a relative of hers had died that same night. In sorrow there is the reminder of God being right there, asking you to just take his hand. It makes me so irritated when I have to grasp for that idea over and over again, but every time I do- there is no disappointments.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Dear Jodi,
ReplyDeleteAhhh, such peace fills my heart after reading your messages, letters, and this blog. What an incredible God we serve eh? Always stooping down to meet us where we are at, attending to our every need.
I’ve been thinking about something ever since our talk on the phone. You said that you were afraid that you wouldn’t have the courage and the strength to keep holding onto God. You said that you were scared that you would be swallowed up in your fear, and that you would lose sight of God and the hope he gives. But Jodi I have no such fear for you. First, because it’s not that you need to be strong enough—its that God is faithful. You don’t need to be strong enough, God doesn’t expect that from us. He will meet you where you at, just like he found you while you were dead in your sins, while you were totally depraved, he will hold onto you even in the darkest times. “Even though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
The other thing that I wanted to say is that God has been working in your life ever since you have let him in. He has been teaching you, growing you, and preparing you for whatever lies ahead. Like Esther: “who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?”
I love you Jodi. You are in my prayers, always.