Maybe today, you can put the past away.

It's been a long while since my last post.
I have had this whirl wind, yet slightly dull summer break. Nothing really went as I expected, in a good and bad way. Some of my wants weren't fulfilled, yet, some wonderful surprises popped up.
Mostly I got lost in late 90's rock, and thought about life. Where I see myself in a year, 2 years, 10 years. Some days everything seems like it'd fall right into place, other times, anything but falling into place.
If you have heard me talk about this year, you would know that I saw this as the most devastating, yet amazing year. But, I would talk in past tense, like all that amazing devastation was over. I'm wrong.
Oh, no, I don't think God was quite done breaking and remodeling me.
I got into this messy situation in the last few days that I never saw coming. Something was revealed to me, that I would rather had lived in oblivion with. Ignorance is bliss. I honestly do believe that statement.
Once I was let in on the secret I got the worst feeling, a feeling that probably surfaces to the top 5 worst feelings I have ever had in my life.
A knot formed in my stomach and my eyes instantly watered. Most of all, I was disappointed. This deep, honestly feel like vomiting, disappointment.
I sat for hours not sure what to do, or to do anything at all. I didn't want to ask the questions I knew God was putting in front of me. So, I went to two different people and emptied the hurt and anguish I had building inside of me. Perhaps if I passed it on, then it wouldn't be me God was prodding to take action. I took time to just cry, and listen to even more 90's rock.
Then I had the unconditional comfort of my best friend, and the challenge and understanding of another best friend.
Tonight I had a 3 hour conversation that I knew I would hear, yet, so many things became clearer to me, and unfortunately some other things became more grayed to me. One thing that stood out to me was that I seemed to have a hard time praying about it. I couldn't. I was tongue tied, and absent minded. And I am starting to question why, and what is it that I need to overcome.
I'm off to think. Or, pray.